Show Your Strength, Be The Light, and Respond In Faith!

And I'm BACK! Already with something new to talk about! Woohoo! The exciting life of Mallory returns. Actually this is something I have wanted to post since Oct 12th, the day I was able to go through the temple, but I just haven't found the right words to express it.......
UNTIL NOW!
PS..... I so I totally just read through this.... and its a little scatter brained.... ha ha ha. So I jump around a lot about different things..... so I apologize in advance!

This was the day I received my endowment! 

Oct 12th 2017

Yesterday I had a conversation with one of my coworkers, and she mentioned to me that she really appreciated how open and honest I was on my blog, and how "strong" she thought I was. She mentioned this a few time during the conversation actually......"you are so incredibly strong". And she is not the only one to mention this to me. "Wow Mal, you are so strong!"

Strong? I honestly don't think of my self as a "strong" person. Well..... at least not physically..... in ANY WAY.... (although I do plan on starting Cross Fit Helo in West Jordan starting next week! woohoo!) Mentally strong? HA! I literally started this blog because of my drug induced psychosis.... which is still effecting me even though I've been clean for almost year now..... 353 days to be exact. It wasn't until the end of the conversation I had with my friend that I realized what kind of strength I had.

After she had mentioned how strong I was for like the 3rd time, I totally interrupted her and blurted out "if it wasn't for the gospel, I would never have made through this year".

Then I had a total *DUH* moment in my head.
I AM SPIRITUALLY STRONG!!!!!!

Over the past year, I have been through a lot. Not just in my sobriety, but mentally, physically, and most of all spiritually.( A very huge example of this was explained in a video I made and posted *super emotional and really embarrassing* 2 posts ago about all the temptations I was having right before going through the temple). All of these trials or temptations I've had this last past year have made me a stronger person. But let me tell you this...... I would have never been able to overcome or move past these things if I was not spiritually strong.

Now I cant quote scripture very well, and I certainly could NEVER teach a gospel doctrine class, I would probably even struggle through a primary lesson.... lol. That's not what I mean by being spiritually strong.....and its hard for me to explain how I see myself as being spiritually strong.... so I will give you an example that happened to me recently......

During my treatment at Valley, we are given assignments to work on that help express our feeling and issues into why we started using drugs in the first place. On multiple assignments there's always a question saying something like "if (blank) happens, this could cause me to relapse". Well I would always say the same thing in every assignment. Mostly because if this "thing" were to ever happen, I could totally see my self relapsing. I would love to say I wouldn't relapse..... but for some reason, this "thing", I thought, would cause me to.

Well towards the end of October...... this "thing" happened. The one "thing" I said that if it were to EVER happen, I would probably relapse.

After I found out about this "thing" happening..... guess what my first thought was? I really want to pray right now (in my head I knew that I could turn to my savior and he would help me with this pain and grief)...... WHAT??????? Crazy right..... here it had been almost a year of thinking that if this "thing" happened I would just automatically want to go use. But no..... that's not what I thought of. My first instinct was to pray. After I did that..... whatever thoughts or ideas I had about relapsing would leave my head as soon as they entered it. It was seriously a miracle.

It wasn't my own personal strength/will power that got me through this. I've already explained to you that mentally....I'm not all there.... and physically..... well..... I'm a little TOO much there, if you get what I mean (ha ha ha .... made my self laugh pretty good on that one) (that's why I'm starting Cross Fit Helo)

It was my spiritual strength that got me through this. It was knowing that my savior has experienced this same exact feelings, and knows how to help me get through them.
I can honestly say that if I were not for the Gospel, I would have relapsed. Because of this gospel I have been made strong. I have overcame things I could NEVER see myself overcoming. Because of this gospel, and the atonement of Jesus Christ, I know with out a doubt in my mind that I can overcome my trials and temptations. I literally am living proof of it.

*Side Note*
So this summer, I was helping at some summer camps, and some of the little kids asked me "Miss Mallory, are you LDS?"
(Now looking at me, that's not really the first thing people think about me.... because of my tattoos and gauges....at least that's what I thought)
I responded "Yes, I am, How did you know?"
I will never forget what they said to me....... "we can just tell, there's a light about you"
SPIRITUALLY STRONG PEOPLE...... I was LITERALLY GLOWING in the spirit that day! lol
Totally random I know... but this just popped into my head while I was writing this post, and I had to share it because I was Spiritually Strong then, I just didn't know it or realize it until now.
*end of side note*

Also, the Lord has a plan for us. He is very organized. This "thing" that happened recently in my life, could have happened ANY TIME this past year.... but no..... it happened AFTER I went through the Temple, it happened AFTER I gained a strong testimony. It happened when I realized how STRONG I really was.....

“The Lord has given us agency, the right and the responsibility to decide. He tests us by allowing us to be challenged. He assures us that He will not suffer us to be tempted beyond our ability to withstand. But we must understand that great challenges make great men. We don’t seek tribulation, but if we respond in faith, the Lord strengthens us.” -Dennis E. Simmons 2004 General Conference

If we respond in Faith, the Lord strengthens us. Oh I love that.....I'm going to type it again....

If we respond in FAITH, the Lord STRENGTHENS us! (made it a little bigger so you can understand how important it is..... lol)
That's what I did.... when I had a problem the first instinct was to turn to my Heavenly Father and my Savior, and it strengthened me.

Spiritually Strong to me means having your full trust in the lord, having faith that no matter what happens, he will be there to help you. I believe you are as strong as your Faith..... so if you are feeling weak.... or not as strong as you think you should be.... turn to our Heavenly Father and talk to him.... he is ALWAYS there to help, but you need to have the faith that he WILL help.

So I know this post has gotten a little long..... but I do want to end with a suggestion..... or we can call it a challenge.

Light The World: 25 Days of Service starts December 1st. One of the best ways (in my opinion) to be Spiritually Strong is to serve. When we serve others we are following the example of Jesus Christ and doing as he did. I challenge you to take part in this 25 days of service. You would be so surprised how much good a simple act of service can do. How much strength you can gain from helping and serving others. Show your strength, be the light, and always respond in faith!

She's my MOM and she's CRAZY!!!!!

Well Hello World!
It's been a long time since I have posted! I have been super busy with work and life..... but I had a little down time this week, because of Thanksgiving, so I thought it was time to finally post all the crazy thoughts going through my head recently.

I'm just going to jump right into what has been bothering me for the last few weeks.....

So Ethan came home from school on Friday, about 2 weeks ago, and I could tell he had been crying. So I asked him what was up, and he said he has been getting bullied at school.
UMMMMM WHAT???????

Yeah, so apparently this girl, who is in his grade, has been teasing him.......

So I ask him what she said, his response killed me...
"She's making fun of me because she knows that you and daddy were drug addicts"
*literally felt like a knife to the heart*

I honestly sat there in silence for a few minutes. I didn't know what to say to him.
After the initial shock, I asked him to tell me the story of how this came about.

He was at lunch and this girl was teasing one of his good friends. So Ethan, being the kind soul he is, asked her to stop being rude to his friend. So she turned on him. Some how she knew that Russ and I were addicts in recovery and started to say that we chose drugs over him and that's why he had to live with his grandma. She went on telling him how "sad" his life is and that he will probably have to move again because we were such bad parents.......

O M GOODNESS........ *seriously at this point in the story I was contemplating whether or not I could afford another charge on my record.... is punching a 5th grader a felony?*

She proceeded to make fun of him, and then told him that she was going to tell everyone his "families secret."

So he's sobbing to me, "I'm sorry mom, I don't know how she found out."

WHAT THE CRAP!!!!!! How do I respond to this? My kid is getting made fun of for something I DID...... he's just the innocent party in this whole situation. This is the only thing I could think of to say..... I hope I said the right thing.

This was my response
"Ethan, its not a secret that your dad and I did drugs. I never want it to be a secret, do you know why?"
He asked why?
I told him that not very many kids who are in the situation that he and Izzi were in, get to go live back with their parents. I told him that he should be proud that his dad and I worked so dang hard to get them back. He was that special that his father and I are beating a disease to get him back. How many kids can say that?

Ethan starts sobbing more, and runs to me and tells me he loves me....and now I'm sobbing as well......
So I told him that if she goes at him again, to keep his head up high and say "yeah my parents were addicts, and they did what most addicts cant do. They are beating their disease and got us back"

The title of the post..... So funny. This is how awesome my son is.....
We were watching Stranger Things, *SPOILER ALERT* and the part were 11 saves mike from the cliff jump.... and the toothless kids yells to the bullies "That's right, she's our Friend and She's CRAZY".....
Ethan sits up and was like "Can I say that?"
*really confused look from me*
"To that girl, if she bothers me again.... can I just say She's My MOM and She's CRAZY!!!"
Yes, son..... that is totally fine. Say that!

Seriously I have the BEST SON EVER!

So its now been about 2 weeks since that happened. Its been bothering me a lot because I mean, kids are going to get bullied, its a sad truth, but it is the truth. But when they get bullied for what their parents have done. I honestly never expected that. So then I started thinking.......
Have I been to honest about my life? Was starting this blog really a good thing? Did I not think of how it could effect my kids?
That's what I have been struggling with for the last little while, and why I haven't posted.

But then I remembered reading all the responses that the Wasatch High School seniors wrote about me when I went and spoke to them about my life.
Here is what some of them said!

Mallory was amazing! Her story is incredible and eye opening. • She showed me a whole new world I didn’t know anything about. • I was so surprised to see her. I was expecting someone who looked unhappy and miserable. In place of my assumptions sat a person who was glowing with happiness. • If someone like Mallory who has faced agonizing struggles can find happiness, then I guess I can too. • I admire her so much. • Here she is, in the midst of fighting addiction, and she is one of the happiest people I’ve seen. She fights every single day. • I learned so much • Her brutal honesty was so refreshing • Mallory gave me hope for the future of everyone • Because of her, I can feel more empathy for my lost family members, and that really makes me happy • She showed me we can change • I felt completely comfortable asking her anything • Because of her, from now on I want to look back at what I’ve done with respect. • She made me realize that the people that truly care for you and love you will be the ones to get you through, and that is something that I’m going to hold on to for a long time. • I’ve only seen addiction from a distance, Mallory changed that. • She told us in a way that didn’t make us scared or sad but in a way that we just understood. She showed us her life. • Her story was just human. Humans make mistakes and that’s what she did. • Okay, I LOVED this presenter. • Mallory was SO GOOD. Her energy was amazing and made me feel more energetic and you can feel her passion for doing things like teaching and public speaking through her energy. • She was so open and honest with us and I really appreciated it. • Instead of just answering questions, which I love, she was there to share with us. It was so awesome to see her energy and want to show us she cares about us and wants us to know things. • Mallory Bringhurst, what a brave, enduring woman. • Mallory Bringhurst is one of the most amazing people I have ever had the opportunity to meet. Wow. I read her blog before she came, and it was so interesting and inspiring. • The most interesting thing I found from Jakob and Mallory’s presentations is both of them told us to stop trying to impress others. • I thought it was really cool how Mallory embraced her past self as someone she could learn from and be grateful for the experiences that she went through during her addiction. • I also like how she was able to find something to motivate her and pull her out of her addiction, which was seeing her husband sober. • Honestly, she left me speechless. She was so honest with us. Honestly though, what a beautiful person she is, like her inner beauty shines out and it just makes her glow.

Am I sorry I started this blog? NO
Am I worried that I'm too honest? NO
Am I worried how this could effect my kids? NO, because they know and understand NOW, how special they really are. They are worth fighting for and they are proud of Russ and I.

*the day our case was closed*

Ethan said this was his FAVORITE picture of the year! 

Oh and Ethan won 1st prize at his school for writing a poem about staying drug free...... TAKE THAT BULLY

Why is this happening to me??????

Hello Friends.....

So I made a video..... its a little scatter brained.... probably wont make a lot of sense.... but I couldn't type it out, I tried... for a while and it wasn't working.... so I made a video.....

Here is the link! I'm a little I.T. Challenged, and I couldn't make it post on here.... so I had to upload it to youtube!


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Az9NaD9tcD0&feature=youtu.be

The Flower Man

So its been over a month since I have been able to post! Part of me didn't want to write a new one because of how AWESOME my last post was..... lol. Its hard to follow up with a good post after a GREAT post. (this is not me being "big headed", this is me just repeating what YOU all said to me about it) Anyways... a little recap on what I have been doing this last month......

I have been so blessed and humbled by the teachers at Up With Kids! After that first camp, I was asked to help with another, then another, then another... 5 Summer Camps in all!!!! O M Goodness! It was so much fun! I'm so very grateful for the opportunity to have been able to work with those teachers and to have fun with the kids during camp. So many HUGE things have happened in the last few months.... I reached my 8th month of sobriety, we had 2 HUGE family parties at my house, my brother and his family came back to visit from West Virginia, I started an Instagram account (lol, I really like Instagram hence why I just mentioned it as a HUGE thing) Got Ethan and Izzi registered for school, I got a calling in my ward (I pretty much plan parties/socials (best calling ever) ) I also became a visiting teacher (I think I scared some of the relief society with how excited I was to become a visiting teacher) lol.....  So now I have a few weeks off before Up With Kids! starts in September. (if you haven't registered your kiddos yet, go to www.upwithkids.com and sign them up)

So what's been in my head lately? I shall tell you ..... right ..... now.....

Russ and I have started a new thing at bed time now that Ethan and Izzi are back with us. We read a story every night with them. Some times its made up..... (when I say made up, I really mean we tell them stories of movies we know they haven't ever seen lol) and some times its from a book. Last night  I told them the story of The Flower Man..... a little history on this before I go on to the story....

In 2007 I worked at a book fair thingy.... it was super cool because they had book signings by the authors so I got to see and meet a lot of authors. At the end of the week, the company said that all the employees were allowed to pick one book for free. There were so many books I wanted.... I had a hard time deciding, until I came across this book called The Flower Man, a wordless picture book by Mark Ludy. Now I know what your thinking..... "Really Mallory, you pick a WORDLESS BOOK" ..... before you get a judgmental..... Let me explain this book.....

So this is the cover..... totally caught my eye because, I mean, look how ADORABLE the little old man is! And you notice that he is the only thing in color.....

Here is the next page..... I LOVE how it says that everyone has a story... cuz its true. We all have an amazing life story. You may think you don't, you may think "well nothings every really happened to me that make me special" THAT IS A LIE! You never know, maybe your BORING life that you think could never be anything but BORING, could actually be someone's answer to their life problem.. So share your story... (rant over)

So then you see him walking to this sad looking, grey town. I'm going to skip a few pages.... but it shows him walking through the town, and as you look closer, all the people in the buildings are either, sad, angry, annoyed, crying... etc... NO ONE IS HAPPY

Then he gets to this sad looking, run down house that is for sale. And as a reminder.... everyone in this town is grey and unhappy.....

So he starts to fix it up.... and it turns to color.... also to note... this man ALWAYS has a smile on his face.... also to note again... the people in this town never smile. But if you look closer, there is a little girl leaning on his fence, watching him eagerly.

Remember that eagerly looking little girl..... He gave her a flower... and she turned to color, and is smiling.

See what's happening here? Just one small act of kindness, has a ripple affect. So the next few pages are of all the people in the town turning to color. 

So now the whole book has color. You would think it would be the end of the book right?

WRONG! Look close at the house that the flower man fixed up.... It has a For Sale sign. The next few pages so him walking back out of that town, which is all in color now, into a new grey town....

He finds a new house For Sale......

...and it starts all over again

So that is the story...... What did you get from it? Here is what I told my kids....

No matter what bad, horrible, unlucky things that happen to you, there is usually someone else who has it worse. So instead of being grey all the time and sitting in this sad depressed state, be the color that can brighten someone else's day. By doing this it will not only make them colorful, it will in turn, brighten your color! And that will help you stay colorful! This book has been with me for 10 years now. When I first got it, I honestly just thought the illistrations were cute, and it would be a good picture book for Ethan to look at. I never sat and thought about the meaning of it until now. Mark Ludy said it perfectly when he signed my book....

"Sweet Mallory, pleasure meting you! Continue to color your world!"

I hope you all can color your world. Think of how much better and prettier this word could be if we all could help each other color our lives. Find this book so you can look at it more carefully. In each window of each building there is a person, as the book goes on each person starts to get color. So you can look at this book over and over again you can find a new story every time! 

My challenge to you:

Share your story, and color your world!

True Happiness is the BEST High!

When I went to Valley (my IOP treatment facility) on Tuesday, I got asked this question by some of the girls there...."Mal, did you relapse?"
.....*really questioned look on my face*.....
"Um NO! Why do you ask that?"
"Because your smiling a whole lot, talking a whole lot, and are WAY to happy and energetic today"
.....*REALLY questioned look on my face again*......
"I'm just REALLY happy today! The happiest I have been in a long time actually"
*totally not believing expressions on all their faces*

I came home and thought about it..... Was I really acting like I was High on something? I mean, I had just left my mom and Meg and they didn't say anything to be about my behavior..... and they totally would have called me out if they had because they saw me on drugs, they knew how I acted when I was on something, and they didn't say one word to me about my behavior being weird....
It didn't dawn on me until the next day why they asked me that question....

Anyone who didn't know me before I used drugs, doesn't know my REAL personality. The REAL Mal is a fast talking, outgoing, bubbly, energetic and slightly obnoxious/annoying girl. Then it hit me like a ton of bricks....

I'M BACK TO MY OLD SELF! *screams with excitement*

That's why my mom and Meg didn't say anything to me before I left to treatment! They just saw what they have always seen..... it may have been hidden for a few years but they saw their daughter/sister acting the way she always used to. So that smiley, talkative, energetic, slightly obnoxious/annoying girl was normal to them!

After this eye opening and mind blowing revelation I was super excited! I felt happy, energetic, and I did it would out ANY use of a substance! It was pure and true happiness. I hope you all know how big of a deal this is for me! Remember in my post "why cant you just stop?" I talked about how addicts dopamine levels were so high that even the most enjoyable activities that would make anyone happy, or excited, had little to no effect for an addict. That's how its been for me lately. I had everything going great in my life, things were coming back to normal, I was being the mom I used to be, my family started to trust me again, everyone has been so supportive and understanding, but I still was not finding anything to make me "happy".

My sister gave me this AMAZING book called Be Happy written by Hank Smith. I've only just started it, but I have learned SOOOOOO much from it already. One thing I wanted to share with you that he talks about is the statistics of happiness..... This will blow your mind.

50% of your happiness comes from Genetic Tendencies..... so your DNA
40% of your happiness comes from Intentional Activities.... that's your behavior
and 10%..... only 10% comes from Circumstances

SHOCKING RIGHT!!!!!!

If you would have asked me 7 months ago, what made me happy..... I would have told you Meth and Heroin. That's the only way I could be happy. And that''s only if I had enough to last me all day. Hank Smith explains circumstantial happiness perfectly. (and he does it by explaining it with pizza or ice cream!)
The first bite is THE BEST! Oh man is that bite life changing. The second bite is still pretty great, but not quite as good as the first bite. The third bite is okay, but now its going dowhill a little. By the ninth or tenth bite you want something else. In other words, you need a different "high". This is a phenomenon called Hedonic Adaptation. It means conditions that once made you exhilaratingly happy just don't do it for you after a while. So CIRCUMSTANCES DON'T DEFINE HAPPINESS!
So the next time you think that you need the new car, new phone, new wardrobe etc.... to make you happy. You are wrong. It will just cause some pleasure, which is totally different then happiness. But that wont last.

40% of your happiness comes from the things you do to manage you happiness- your behavior. Lets call it Passion; the happiest people are those who have found their specific gifts and who use those gifts in a cause greater then themselves.
I'm not saying that I'm the GREATEST BLOGGER to ever have hit the internet, but I feel like I have a gift for sharing and teaching people how NOT to live their lives..... lol. Seriously..... I have shared part of my story, a very scary and vulnerable part of my life in hopes that I can help people can learn from my mistakes, or help them understand why an addict does what they do. And I have had people share with me that they appreciate what I write about, and have a better understanding of addiction now. So I like to think that this is my "special gift". It makes me truly happy when I hear a mom, or dad of an addict thank me for explaining addiction in a way they could understand, and be able to help and support their addicted child. (this really happened..... I was floored when I got this response) This brings me True Happiness......

50% of happiness comes from DUUH NAA (its pronounced D.N.A) <--- if you dont get that joke, you need to watch Zootopia. ha ha ha ha.
So where does happiness originate? In your brain. Not in your heart like the media would have you believe. Valentines day should be filled with pictures of little brains and candy shaped brains with cards that read "I love you with all my brain!". I mean if we want to be accurate. Makes sense. But probably wouldn't be as romantic as a heart......
The brain matters to happiness.... and not just a little. 50%, half of your happiness comes from your DNA. So if your generally a very happy person, you can thank your parents. If, on the other hand, your generally pretty miserable, you can settle into the therapist's chouch and blame your parents. LOL. But here is the thing about being pretty miserable genetically..... you can change that. The brain is constantly changing. It will take some time, but you can retrain your brain to be positive. :) SO NO EXCUSES!!!!

Okay so back to me! Because I'm an attention seeking person, I want everything to be about me. I mean, my blog is titled "it;s all in MY head" lol.......

So lets journey back to how the heck I got my first Happiness High! As I mentioned before, this is a huge deal. I have been so down, and depressed despite having AMAZING progress in my recovery, and in my family life..... I literally was at the lowest point in my recovery just a few days ago. No matter what I did, I felt like it was never going to be enough. The funny thing about low points is that just when you are about to give up, just when you think that no matter what you do, you are always going to have this little black cloud following you around..... if you can hold on for just a second longer..... literally that's all it takes, a second..... that's when you will FINALLY get lifted back up and feel that joy, and elation of being alive. That's what happened to me.

Here I am at the lowest, and I mean LOWEST (all caps make it more dramatic) point in my recovery. In my head all I'm thinking is "I might as well use, because that's what made me happy" "I will never get this "happy high" that normal people get" "I'm doing everything right but, nothing is making me happy"....... thoughts like this may not seem like a  huge deal to you, but to an addict, these kind of thoughts are very dangerous. I was explaining this to my family, and they, being the AMAZING supportive and loving people that they are said "just keep doing what your doing, it will all turn out" and "Pray about it Mal". TOTALLY NOT what I wanted to hear, but I kept on keeping on, and I prayed about it....... then I got a text message......

 "Hey Mal, I could really use your help next week with my summer camp" (it said a little more but that is the jist of it)
I stopped everything I was doing.... Ran to my mom and told her I got this message. I told her I literally prayed about this, and I got an answer. Her response was like "I told you so".
Why is this so monumental? (here is a little history) Well this company is called Up With Kids!. I grew up in this musical theature company. The ladies who run this AMAZING company are like 2nd moms to me. Their daughters are like sisters to me, and it pretty much has been my whole life. I got the chance to work for them after I had Izzi, and it was the GREATEST time of my life. I got to teach and direct plays and sing, dance and act every day. Total dream job! Unfortunately my pill addiction got the best of me and I had to leave the company. After that, I hit rock bottom.... That's when I started abusing drugs..... 

Flash forward a few years.......
(during these years.... all I could honestly think about is how I blew it with this career, it really killed me everyday. You can ask my family.... that's all I would talk about)

When I got sober, I contacted them asking them if there was anything I could do to return to this career. They have a strict Drug Policy that stated that I would have to have compleated treatment and have sobriety for 6 plus months. DONE! So when I got this message..... I literally got this "happiness high". Right then and there..... I couldn't contain myself. I wanted to tell everyone at treatment.... Hence the question I got at the top of this post..... lol.

True Happiness is the BEST high. Why? Its a positive force that will stick with you. Substances will give you pleasure.... but pleasure doesn't last. Happiness.... TRUE HAPPINESS lasts. I finally found my happiness. I hope you all can find yours.
Just remember if you are having those tough days, days that seem like there is no hope for tomorrow, and they just keep knocking you lower and lower and your stuck wondering why your feeling this way, why your being plagued with this depression or anxiety.....  write this quote down somewhere you can read it daily.....
"It was meant to be that life would be a challenge. To suffer some anxiety, some depression, some disappointment, even some failure is normal. If you have a good miserable day once in a while, or several in a row, stand steady and face them. Things WILL straighten out. There's great purpose in our struggle in life." - President Boyd K. Packer

Happiness does not mean being free from problems and trials, but finding purpose in problems and trials can result in abundant happiness. Find your purpose in your trials, find your special gifts and don't be scared to share them. I will end with one of my FAVORITE quotes of all time......

"Happiness can be found in even the darkest of times, if one only remembers to turn on the light" -Albus Dumbledore

NEVER forget to turn on YOUR light. :)

Addiction and Self-Esteem

So I have achieved 157 days of sobriety. I have been attending recovery classes everyday for the same amount of time, and am starting to finally get my life back together. I have done so much hard work to get this far, you would think I should be feeling great right? Unfortunately like most people in addiction recovery, I am struggling with very low self-esteem which has kept me from feeling happy, worthy, and satisfied and has made my sobriety a challenge.

What is self- esteem? Self-esteem is our perception of our worth as a person - including our feelings of confidence and satisfaction with our life. People who struggle with low self-esteem act and think in ways associated with not feeling like they are good and worthy person. Add someone who struggles with an addiction, and its 10x worse.

Low self-esteem and drug addiction often go hand in hand. People with low self-esteem are more likely to turn to drugs and alcohol to TEMPORARILY feel better about themselves, which leads to a viscous cycle of using substances and experiencing lower and lower self-esteem. The key word here is TEMPORARILY....So all your low self-esteem issues are numbed for a period of time while your using. From my own experience, I used meth because it made me loose weight drastically in a very short amount of time. At the time, I thought I looked great. For some odd reason, when I looked in the mirror, I saw this skinny, fit, beautifully sculpted women, when in reality I looked very pale, sickly, ragged, and unclean. I didn't realized how bad I looked until I got sober and started to see other addicts on the train and bus. Now not to say all addicts look pale, sickly, and ragged. I mean, when I was using, dealers would tell me all the time, "you don't look like an addict at all". (I seriously thought I was so cool because I didn't "look like an addict") I thought I was getting away with my addiction because of what other addicts and dealers would say to me. I seriously got commented on it all the time. So in my head, I'm thinking that I look AMAZING! So that's what I saw in the mirror, a non-addict looking person. This only fed my desire to keep using because I wanted to keep this "beautiful" new look.

While in recovery I am glad to learn I am not alone in thinking this way. Other people struggling with the same addiction felt that they looked amazing because of all the weight they lost, and energy they had. And now that we are sober, our levels of self-esteem have plummeted, while feelings of shame and guilt sky-rocketed. In our addiction, we took part in behaviors that make it really hard to like ourselves, after getting sober the damage addiction has caused becomes clear and this weighs on our already low self-esteem. Fortunately, self-esteem is not a permanent characteristic. That means you can build it up if it is low. Here are 10 tips help build your self confidence and increase self-esteem.

1. Use Positive Affirmations
When it comes to positive affirmations, the key is to fake it til you make it. At first you will not believe your own words, but the more you say to your self "I am a good person who deserves respect and happiness" the more those words will ring true. I like to write on my mirrors.... MAL IS AWESOME! :) Ive seen it and read it to my self so much that I now know I am awesome!

2.Surround Yourself with Positive People
While self-esteem ultimately must come from within, we also need the support of others to succeed in staying sober. I have been so lucky to have such a supportive family. They keep me positive and if you can consciously attune yourself to the good in other people, you will most likely see the good in yourself.

3.Stop Comparing
I hear this all the time in treatment, you can not compare your recovery with another people. You can relate, but not compare. But my issue is comparing myself to other women. I see the fit, beautiful, do it all moms on facebook and I always compare myself to them. We all need to remember that we are all special and unique in our own way. When we start to compare ourselves with others, STOP, and remember that you are special and have talents that maybe the person who your comparing yourself with doesn't.

4.Recognize and Challenge Negative Thoughts
Easier said then done, I know, but the more you do this, the easier it is to challenge those thoughts. If you find your self saying "I cant.." try re-framing it to "I can try" or "I know its hard, but I am strong".

5.Keep a Journal
How does this help your self-esteem? Well not only can you remember days when you felt good, you can keep a gratitude journal. It will  help you be more attuned to what is good in your life and be more optimistic. People who are optimistic tend to be more confident and have a higher self-esteem

6.Get to Know and Accept Yourself
A key to staying sober and feeling good is to continuously work on getting to know the you without the drugs. This is so hard because you were living your life with the drugs everyday, so everything you did, you did high. When you get sober you forget how to function like a normal person. So you are re-learning everything and finding out who you are as a person.

7.Focus on Success
Addicts in recovery are so hard on themselves. We can easily point out our failures each day, but never focus on the success we had that day. If we stay focused on every little success, like, being able to get up and go to treatment, staying sober, making dinner, cleaning the house, we have succeeded successfully for that day and we need to acknowledge it to ourselves.

8.Set Small Achievable Goals
SMALL is the key word here. I set way to high of goals when I first started treatment, this had a horrible in pact because instead of achieving the goals, they were so far out of my reach that it made me feel even worse about myself. Set small achievable goals, and when you complete them, you will notice your confidence increase.

9.Practice Loving Kindness Meditation
Loving kindness meditation can help free us from self-absorption and in turn fill us with feelings of acceptance. This meditation is simple and can be done by anyone. It consists of sending positive thoughts to those we love, but also to those we do not know well, to our enemies, and to all living beings.

10. Take Responsibility
Take responsibility for your own happiness and self-esteem. You and only you can create change in your life. Make a conscious decision to work towards becoming a more confident and self-loving person.

REMEMBER CHANGE TAKES TIME

Why can't you just STOP!

So I posted in my first post a little bit about addiction being a disease and that I would go more in depth on another post..... This is that post!

"Why cant you just stop Mal"

I got asked this question a lot. Mostly by myself... lol. I would beat myself up everyday asking myself this question. Why cant I just stop. It wasn't until I started treatment that I discovered the answer to this very frustrating question. My hopes while you read this post is to get you to understand an addicts mind. It differs, greatly, from your mind. Our priorities and survival methoods become warped. Our mind is "rewired" to think that the only way to survive is to keep doing drugs.

The area of the brain that encourages a human to perform or repeat and action that promotes survival is called the survival/reinforcement circuit. Its normal function is to reinforce an action that promotes survival (eating, drinking) Unfortunately is also the part of the brain that is most effected by psychoactive drugs. When a psychoactive drug activates this pathway, the result is a feeling of satisfaction, a high, or a physical/emotional pain relief witch prompts the urge to do it again.
Now that we have stared using the drug, we have an altered brain chemistry. It makes our "stop" switch dysfunctional. Think of the SRC as a "go" switch. And the control circuit as our "stop" switch. So when this "stop" switch becomes dysfunctional and does not shut off the craving, the person continues to use because there are no instructions to stop. The SRC ("go" switch) and the control circuit ("stop" switch) have been hijacked, so the individual continues to use because its tricked into sensing that survival depends on it.
The "do it again" message becomes impossible to ignore, resulting in the drug seeking/using behavior regardless of the amount of pleasure the user experiences or the destruction the use ultimately causes.

Remember my cold glass of water story in my first post. Knowing what the water would do to you, of coarse you wouldn't drink it. That's because your brain recognizes the danger and figures out an alternative way to survive, and that's when your "stop" switch kicks in. For an addict, our "stop" switch is totally disabled, all our brain says to us "do it again" "cant survive with out it" so we still take that glass of water.

Why couldn't I just stop? Because my brain literally didn't have a stop circuit.

Our brains are wired to ensure that we will repeat life-sustaining activities by associating those activities with pleasure or reward. Whenever this reward circuit is activated the brain notes that something important is happening that needs to be remembered, and teaches us to do it again and again without thinking about it. Because drugs stimulate the same circuit, we learn to abuse drugs in the same way. And they are so much more addictive then natural rewards (like sex, eating, exercising) because they release 2 to 10 times the amount of dopamine that natural rewards. The effects of such a powerful reward strongly motivates people to take drugs again and again.

When you take away the drugs, addicts dopamine levels become abnormally low, and their ability to experience any pleasure is reduced. This is why an addict feels flat, lifeless, and depressed when they are not using. So they keep taking the drugs again and again just to try and bring their dopamine levels back to normal. Which only makes things worse, its just this vicious cycle addicts go through everyday.

I hope that can help you understand why addicts feel like they have no other choice but to use. From personal experience, I just wanted to feel normal. I honestly wanted to quit, but at the time, I couldn't see a future where I could be happy again unless I was using. So I kept using. It wasn't until December 2016 that I finally made an effort to get sober. It was extremely hard at first, honestly, the hardest thing I have ever had to do. I have had to retrain my brain. Will it ever go back to normal? No. It wont. Because of my use, I have now given myself a disease. Can I live a functioning life? Yes. Just like any other disease, it can be treated.

So I hope this helps anyone who doesn't understand addiction, and why it is considered a disease. The next time you think in your head "why cant they just stop", remember that they are only trying to survive. They don't know any other way.

Can I forgive myself?

Hello friends
I should have taken my own advice about watching a Disney movie after reading my last post. lol.
I had therapy this morning,(I got A LOT of issues lol)  and I told my therapist that I just feel like "blah" today. She asked me what I wrote about last, I told her my suicide attempts, and she said "well have you forgiven yourself yet for that?".........
*blank stare*
"I think your unhappy and feeling like "blah" today because you still haven't forgiven yourself for attempting suicide, and reliving it in your blog brought back all your thoughts and guilt"

So I was going to do this post on Mental Illness (I will do this one later), but my therapist gave me an idea, so I'm doing this post on Self Forgiveness.

How do you forgive yourself?  I had to think about this for a while. It wasn't until later today that I realized that everything I'm learning in recovery, has already taught me to forgive myself. I just haven't been applying it in my life. So here are my Steps to Self Forgiveness:

1.Take Responsibility (you did it, own it)
I believe this one is the first step because if you cant take responsibility for your own actions, that means your pushing all the blame on someone who does not deserve it. I spent the longest time blaming my voices for everything. I blamed them for my suicide attempts, I blamed them when my children were taken, I blamed them for every bad thing that happened to me. In treatment I learned that we are only responsible for 3 things. Our thoughts, our feelings, and our actions. It doesn't matter what someone else says to us, or does to us, its how we react to the situation that we are accountable for. Now this is a lot easier said then done, I know this. But if we all would just stop and think about how we respond to situations, and to control our emotions, we would have less conflict, tragedy, and heartache in our lives.

2.Talk it out (do not suppress your feelings)
I didn't realize this was so crucial until I started reliving my attempts. I never talked about these attempts to anyone. The only people who knew about these were people in my family. And the only reason they even knew was because I sent that "I'm sorry" message to them. But even so, I never went into detail about it. Its amazing what talking things out can do for a person. I talked it out today in therapy, and I feel 100xs better. Just the act of saying it out loud feels like a weight has been lifted off my chest. So try it, talk it out.

3.The past is in the PAST for a reason. (leave it there)
Living in guilt is something a lot of addicts struggle with. Once we get sober, we start to look at all the harm we did to other people, or ourselves, and are just floored. We think about it over and over again. That's when the guilt and shame comes rushing in. We think to ourselves "how could I do that?" "That was never something I could have ever seen myself doing" "How can they forgive me for that?". I look at all the harm I did to my family, my husband and my kids. It makes me sick to my stomach. Luckily all the people I hurt have forgiven me, but I am still stuck in this guilt..... Its hard to just leave the past in the past and not to dwell on it, especially when that past has been detrimental to the people you love. But the easiest way to get over that guilt is to do the 2 steps above and to do the last step below.

4.Challenge yourself to do good (you deserve it)
To help get past the guilt, you just need to make sure that you make each day better then the last. Its hard at first. You may think that you don't deserve any good in your life. That because of how you have hurt others, you deserve to stay hurt. By thinking this way, you will be stuck in this revolving door, and this door doesn't have an exit. So step to the side, let yourself out so you can continue on. Everyone deserves good, or to do good. And by doing good, it doesn't just effect you, it effects the lives around you, your family, your kids, or the one you love.

If there is anything I would want you to take away from this post its this......
Forgive yourself, nothing good comes from wishing we could change our past. When you start to feel any guilt or shame, go do something for someone else. You will be so surprised how doing some kind of service, or act of kindness can change your whole day.(plus it will distract your mind, and you wont be focused on feeling so down) Not to mention the day of someone else as well. Be kinder to yourself. We all have flaws, and have done things we are not proud of. Instead of dwelling on it, LEARN FROM IT! 

....... That's all I have to say about that.......
(yes, I'm taking my own advice from now on)

Next Post: Why can't you just STOP!

Master of Death x3

Well I hope I didn't lose to many people because of my experience with the Book of Mormon. For those of you still reading, I thank you for the support!

Fair warning.... this post is really long!

Okay so The Master of Death.....
What is the Master of Death? Well I got it from Harry Potter. It is what's tattooed on my arm. Its when you have the invisibility cloak, the elder wand, and the resurrection stone with you all at once, and you become The Master of Death.... So why do I love it so much? Well obviously reason #1, its Harry Potter related. #2 I have had my own personal experience with death. Now this came about because of my experience in 2012. Most of you already know the story.... Quick recap of it for those of you who don't know.
I had surgery in 2012, and during this time, I was full blown into my pain pill addiction. So much so that I lied to my surgeon about not getting enough pain pills from my doctor, so I would need extra for the month because of this surgery. That was a lie, in fact my back doctor prescribed me extra because he knew I was having the surgery. So I come home from my surgery and my mother was there to help me with Izzi and Ethan. Now instead of taking my pills like normal, I found that if you sniffed them.... It would hit you harder and faster. So that's what I was doing. 3 days after my surgery, I was sitting down stairs and felt SOOOOO Sleepy (did a little to many pills). So I tell my mom I'm going up stairs to sleep.
So now this is where I was told what happened to me. I don't have any recollection of this personally. My mom felt like something was wrong, so she went up stairs to check on me. Thank goodness she did because I was unconscious. I had not only overdosed, but in the process, thrown up in my mouth, and choked on my own throw up.
A few things happened to me that I feel are super personal (spiritually) that I don't want to share right now, but needless to say, I had an out of body experience.
Then I woke up in the ambulance on the way to the hospital, not knowing what the crap had just happened. ANYWAY.... that was a long way to describe that I felt like the Deathly Hallows symbol aka The Master of Death was a good fit for me.

NOW, how does this tie in to my addiction?
I told you I would talk about what the voices said to me and what they drove me to do. If you haven't guessed it already.... I tried to end my life last year. Not once, not twice, but three times.

Before I tell you how or why, just know that it will probably be descriptive. Its important for me to do so because I want you to know what was going through my mind and how I was feeling. It will be uncomfortable to read as much as it is uncomfortable for me to type.

July 2016-
I have been hearing voices and seeing hallucinations now for over 6 months. They were voices of people I knew and trusted. So again, try to imagine someone you love and trust telling you certain things about yourself, or what you should do. It was as clear as if I was standing behind you talking to you in your ear. I'm laying down with my husband, when I hear a voice say "You know he's cheating on you right? He never loved you, he only married you because you were pregnant"..... I sit up, look at Russ, and he's sound asleep. So I brush it off, okay that wasn't real Mal, go back to sleep.
I hear it again....."Mallory, who are you going to believe? Him, this man who has been lying to you for 10 years or me?" (again this was a voice of someone I hold very dear)
Now to help you understand why I would believe a voice, when I don't physically see anyone.... Remember I have been hearing and seeing delusions for over 6 months at this point. And they have said all these horrible things about my husband. My poor amazing husband took this verbal abuse from me for over a year, every day! I would start yelling at him.... out of know where.... all the things the voices were telling me. He NEVER did any of the things they said, but at the time my own mind turned me against my husband. So much so that I wouldn't believe anything he would say to me.

Okay so here I am listening to the voice, and then I hear Russ's voice. "She's so stupid, I cant believe she actually thinks I love her" "I have never loved her" .... And so much worse things said about me. It was like Russ and this persons voice were having this conversation right next to me, thinking that I couldn't hear them or something. So I woke up and hit Russ in the stomach.... not hard, because I wasn't trying to hurt him, I just wanted him to stop "pretending" to sleep, or that's what I thought he was doing. He wakes up and I start yelling at him. "Are you freaking serious?" (didn't say freaking) He looks up at me like what the crap Mal, and then I go off..... I start repeating all the crap I heard them talking about... and of coarse non of this actually happened, but I my mind, it did... So I tell him I'm leaving. I literally walk out of my house and start walking up the street, while hearing "Its about time you left, just go kill your self and put us all out of our misery".......

Now this was the first time I heard those words..."go kill yourself". So I keep walking, all the while talking to my dilutions. Every time I would look behind me, I thought I was seeing them following me... so I walked around my neighborhood for 2 hours trying to run from them. So there I was walking alone around 2am just talking to myself, crying and thinking that my life was over because, I thought at the time that my husband wants me to kill myself.
I make it back home, and here was that voice again. "Mallory, you trust me, so trust me when I say this, He wants you dead, everyone wants you dead. Everyone has been so disappointed in you, you have let everyone down and no one will be sad if you end it, JUST END IT"
So Russ is sleeping again, but this is not surprising because we had just been up for 5 or so days, and me yelling at him, running out side of the house is nothing new. Remember I did this pretty much everyday.
I walk past him, go into the bathroom and lock the door. I had made up my mind about it. I was going to kill myself. So I get this lamp that we used in the bathroom, it was a portable lamp with a long cord, I tie it to the shower head, and tie it around my neck. I sent an "I'm sorry" message to my family... Then I put all my weight on the cord.
As I slowly started to feel myself loosing air, my eyes started to hurt really bad, and so did my ears. I can still remember that pain, it hurt really bad, kinda like straining your eyes really hard mixed with someone shoving something sharp in your ear at the same time..... Then my eyes shut.
I woke up in my bathtub an hour or so later. My neck hurt so bad, and so did my ears. I came to the conclusion that I must not have tied the cord right because I noticed the knot I tied had been loosened.

So my failed attempt at suicide left me with red blood shot eyes, horrible ringing in my ears, and a bruised and red neck with a line across it where the cord was.
Remember how I sent a message to my family a simple "I'm sorry". Well my sisters must have known that it wasn't just an I'm sorry for being a drug addict, or I'm sorry for everything I have done to you... They must have known that it was something serious because they showed up at my house that morning. I didn't even realized how I looked when I opened the door.
Imagine seeing your sibling pale, bloodshot eyed, bruised neck with a red line across their neck. I looked dead. Or at least that's what they told me later. I opened the door. But I wouldn't let them come in. I was so embarrassed that I couldn't even kill myself the right way. That's seriously what was going through my head. "I cant even tie a damn knot"....
I don't remember everything we said to each other because my goal was to just get them to leave. I pretty much shut the door on them, and went back into the bathroom to look at myself. This was the first time I actually saw what they saw.
It was so bad that my sister actually had nightmares about it.... that's how bad I looked.

So call it Stupidity, call it luck, or call it a guardian angel. Something happened that night that prevented me from leaving this earth.
My voices didn't like that. They didn't like that at all. After that attempt my voices tormented me worse then ever before. Saying things that were so depressing, so horrible and crude. Imagine all your worst fears, things happening to the people you love, imagine that's what you would hear all day every day. That's what I was hearing. Remember how I said that "just go kill yourself" was never said to me before then. Well now that was mixed in with all the other horrible things.

August 2016-
My second attempt happened because of pretty much the same thing. But this time I started hearing my parents voices as well, telling me that I was disowned from the family, and that they never wanted me....Like I said, just all of my worst fears. It got so bad that while I was taking a shower, the only thing running through my head was suicide. Either because that's what was being said to me, or because I was literally thinking about it.
In my first post I mentioned that while in high school I did a lot of self mutilation. I used to cut my legs and wrists, I got away with this because I always blamed my marks on being clumsy, or I wore lost of bracelets. So I knew that cutting would help me feel something real, or at least take my mind off what was going on in my head. 
So in my head, my parents hate me, Russ hates me, my kids hate me, I have no friends, no one cares.... just all these thoughts again going through my head. So I grab my shaver. Brake it apart and use the blade to try and cut my wrists. So I start pressing it into my skin.... I knew I needed to press harder then I would have normally pressed, but no matter how hard I did, it was just barely cutting into my arm... I didn't understand. Why is this not working.... so I tried my other arm/wrist.... same thing, no matter how hard I pressed, it wasn't working. So I grabbed a different blade, same thing happened. After probably about 10 mins I had a dozen or so "scratches" on my wrists and arms.
Now, Im emotionally drained because again the thoughts start racing through my mind, "Im so stupid, I cant even cut my wrists the right way"..... And then all I hear is laughing. The voices of everyone I love are laughing at me. "You are such a moron Mal, why don't you try hanging your self again.." "Just go ask your husband to shoot you, that way we know it will work"..... Just horrible things like that. I got out of the shower, got dressed and ran upstairs where I honestly, tried to overdose. Well again.... luckily, the dope I had must have been pretty crappy cuz I just woke up a little later.....

Call it stupidity, call it luck, or call it my guardian angel... again, something prevented me from leaving this earth.

September 2016-
Now this attempt I only have a little recollection of what happened.... What I want to make clear is that, I tried this attempt not because of what the voices were saying, I was totally used to the cruel horrific things they would say to me, but because I just couldn't take it anymore. What I remember is going out on an amazing day date with Russ. I wrote about it in my journal......
Dear Journal,
Today was perfect in everyway. Russ was my husband again. He made me fall back in love with him again (not that I fell out of love... but you get the expression) I don't know what happened from yesterday to today but WOW. Lets just say that I haven't stopped smiling all day. YEAH, Im actually smiling at my house! I haven't seen him act like this since when we first started dating! He was holding my hand in public, touching  my leg on the bus, and has been waiting on me hand and foot! What did I do to deserve this? I don't know but I'm going to soak it all up while it lasts. He really is amazing, I totally trust him again.
*side note*
when I said Im actually smiling at my house- that's because most of the time I was tormented the worst when I was at home. So I was never happy there.
When I said I totally trust him again- that's because I always believed the voices over him, every time. I would never trust anything he said to me.

So here I was happier then I have ever been in a long time. So what do I do? Celebrate by getting high. I left Russ in the living room while  he played on the computer, and I went into the next room to shoot up. I remember thinking, "what a perfect day, nothing can ruin this for me"..... Then a wave of darkness hit me. Everything was dark, except a single square straight ahead of me. It was almost like I saw a video playing in my mind of how happy everyone was. Everyone was so happy, so I see my self walking towards them wondering why everyone is celebrating, and I see my self. Laying there.... dead. After seeing that, the only thing I remember doing is walking into the kitchen, grabbing my bottle of Flexoril (muscle relaxer medication) going back into the room and swallowed a bunch.

I woke up in the hospital 3 days later.  There were 10 pills left in my Flexoril bottle, I was prescribed 90. I had swallowed 80 pills.

Now medically, I have no idea if 80 Flexoril pills should have killed me. Add a pretty big shot of heroin and meth on top of that..... maybe. You would think so anyway. But it didn't. I think about this now and wonder why I don't have like severe brain damage or something.... (my family would say I already had brain damage.... lol).

AGAIN... Call it stupidity, call it luck, or call it guardian angel... Something prevented me from leaving this earth.

I joked with my family that the only reason I didn't die was because I have a deathly hallows tattoo, but they think it was something a little more powerful at work. Not to get all spiritual on you all again, but I have escaped death 4 times... 3 times just last year. Maybe I do have some support on the other side that untied the knot, held my strength back from pressing too hard, and kept me alive from what should have been a very deep sleep death. I don't know... I always blamed it on shear stupidity personally.... lol. A lot of  people that attend the same treatment center I do have said that they think I have some "purpose" here on earth. And that's why I'm still here.
Yeah... my purpose was to waste all your time reading this post! HA!

On the serious side, suicide is no joke. I have friends who's family members have committed suicide, my uncle also did. I didn't understand it back then. I never understood why anyone would want to leave their families. But after struggling with depression..... I now understand why.
I never saw myself as suicidal. I don't want to completely blame the drugs either though. Yeah, they played a big part in this, but there was already a deep routed issue that it grew off of.

Depression. Its more then just being sad. For those of you who have never had issue with depression, I hope you never do. It can over take you in ways you could never imagine. Make you think that your world is going to end. It turns your own thoughts against you. You can try your hardest to be happy, and maybe that will work for a little bit, but if it goes untreated, and you never find a way to talk about it with anyone, you could end up where you think there is no other way out except by taking your life.(that may sound a little drastic to some of you, but I'm basing it off my own experience)
Having depression doesn't mean you cant live a full life, and it doesn't mean you can never be happy. It makes me sad because a lot of people think this way.

If you know someone who has tried to talk to you about feeling hopeless, or lost... please take it seriously. Don't ever just brush it aside, telling them to "buck-up", or to just get over it. Depression is hard to explain to someone who has never felt its effects.

This post is way to long already to go more into it, that's why my next post is going to be on Mental Illness.

I hope this post didn't make anyone to sad, or upset anyone. Like I have said, these are just my own opinions, and my own experiences.

My Miracle Medication

Let me start off this post by saying THANK YOU! Thank you to all those who read my first post and who have been super supportive about this blog! I really cant express how thankful I am for your comments and likes and little heart like thingys. (I'm never really on social media so the heart thingy is new to me)

Okay so I left you all on a cliff hanger.... that was on purpose, so that those of you who read my first one would be stuck to wonder what the crap happened to me, so it would make you read this one as well!!!! Muuaaaahhhhhhhaaahhhh.(evil laugh)
Before I start off where I left off, ha.... that sounded funny... anyway... I want to inform you that this part of my story is extremely religious/spiritual for me. So I will be talking about that A LOT, so if you are not a believer in my same religion, that's perfectly fine. I respect everyone's beliefs. I honestly do.... I just hope you will keep an open mind when you read about my experience. :) Okay?

When I started getting sober, I also started attending my LDS ward. I'm going to be honest with you and tell you that the only reason why I started going back to church was to please my family and my kids. That's the honest truth. Even though they never said... you need to go back to church.... I felt like if I started going, it would make them happy. So here I am, newly sober, harry potter tattooed sickly looking girl going to a ward where mostly old people attend. I was scared out of my mind because I thought they would take one look at me and turn their heads in disgust. But that didn't happen. In fact the opposite happened. I had all these older couples talking to me asking me questions and making me feel a little less uncomfortable. It was an odd feeling at first, because I was so used to people looking at me like a bug, a bug that needed to be squashed quickly.

So I kept going back, and week after week, I talked to more people, made new "older" friends (who by the way really do have the most hilarious stories to tell. Seriously, start talking to older people, they are AWESOME). After a month or so of going, I can say that I finally was going for myself. Not to please anyone, or make me look more holy or anything... I was going because it filled a void that I was missing.
So here I am 80ish days into sobriety, fully involved at my treatment center, going to church because I truly wanted to go, but I was still hearing voices. WHAT THE CRAP? IM DOING EVERYTHING RIGHT NOW LORD.... WHY HAVN'T YOU HELPED ME GET RID OF THESE VOICES? That's really what I yelled... but to be honest it wasn't the word crap... ha ha.
Then I thought about it, I never asked him to help me. So what do I do? I do the obvious thing.... Pray. Now I haven't personally prayed in like 10 or so years.....So I wasn't expecting much of an answer. The next morning I hear a voice. Now this voice was different then the rest. I couldn't recognize it. Remember I said that all the voices I heard were of people I knew? So I hear this "new" voice and it said read the Book of Mormon. HA. That's what I replied back to the voice... well it was more like "..... what the heck, why would I read that. I've already gone to seminary where I'm pretty sure I read it all, what good is a book going to do to help me get rid of these voices?". After an hour argument with myself, I just brushed it off as another annoying voice telling me what to do.
So I go to church and we have a lesson on The Book of Mormon. I seriously started laughing out loud. The ward already thinks I'm weird, so this was not new for them to see, but after I laughed, I heard the voice again "Read the Book of Mormon". Again, I brushed it off as an annoying voice and went about my day.
A few days pass by, after many arguments and discussions with myself (I did this a lot because the voices would say these horrible lies about me, or people I loved and I felt like I needed to defend myself and the other people they were talking about) I got bored with arguing the same argue over and over again and that's when I saw my scriptures on the ground. What the heck why not. So I start reading.

I read them every day for a week. It wasn't until I was driving home from class that I noticed it. I turned down my stereo (it was always super loud to drown out the voices). Nothing. I heard NOTHING. Almost in tears I thought to myself, what have I been doing differently that could have made this happen. The only thing I have been doing differently was reading the Book of Mormon. I swear to you this is the truth. So I called up my mom, frantic in excitement telling her that I haven't heard voices in a week and I'm pretty sure its because I started to read the Book of Mormon. I'm pretty sure she started to cry. Or maybe that was just me.... I don't know, someone was crying. I told everyone what had happened. A lot of people who were not LDS, didn't believe me. It wasn't until one of them noticed something different in me. Maybe it was the fact I wasn't walking around talking to myself anymore, or maybe it was just this "light" about me (I'm quoting someone that said that, once again, I'm not trying to act like I'm holier then anyone). Needless to say they told everyone else what they had noticed, and then they finally believed me.  

My Miracle Medication. The Book of Mormon.
Now I'm not encouraging anyone to go off their meds, and to pick up the BOM or Bible in hopes to cure a disease.... please do not do that. (unless you genuinely want to read it, then go a head, I will encourage that :) )  I'm just telling you about my experience.

So that's my story. Now I promised myself that I would be honest in this blog, bold and blunt.  I'm not totally without the voices. But the frequency of them are at a very low muffle. Instead of having to rely on my husband to help me figure out if what I was hearing was real or not, I now only hear voices when I'm about to go to sleep. And they are so quiet, that if I do hear them, I know the difference between reality and non-reality. (no more running out side to help imaginary people) lol.

I titled my blog, It's All In My Head, for a good reason. These first 2 posts were to just inform you how I started hearing voices, and how I've managed to cope with them. My next posts are more of what they said to me and what they drove me to do. But my main reason for starting this blog was because I want to help inform people about addiction. Its a disease, and like any disease it can be maintained and controlled with proper medication and treatment. If you know someone who has an addiction, please don't disown them, don't judge them, and most of all NEVER stop loving them. One huge reason why I have been able to come out of my addiction has been because of the love and support of my family. I hear so many stories of women and men who have been going through their recovery and relapsing over and over again, and their reasons are all the same. They have no support. No one who loves them enough to stick through the heartache, the pain, the agony of dealing with their addiction. So my advice to anyone who has family struggling with this addiction, or any addiction.... Stick by them. Make sure they know you love them. It could make the difference from them staying sober to them overdosing because they think they have no one who would care if they died.
That's my spill...Ill get of my "soap box" now. Although I cant promise that Ill never bring it up again in another post. I'm just super passionate about it. 

Stay tuned for my next post, its going to be a super touchy subject with most people. But once again, I'm just telling you my story and how this effected me.

Next Post: Master of Death x3

It's All In My Head

Well Hello Family and Friends, (and possibly strangers)
I'm starting this blog because I think my life is just that interesting that it has to be published somehow. :) For all that know me, completely understand this, for those of you who are reading this and don't really know me... I am an attention grabbing, outgoing, somewhat obnoxious girl who really thinks that everything she says should be written down as inspirational quotes.

The main reason for this post is just to quickly outline why I chose the name of this blog the way I did, and to have you waste an incredible amount of time reading this.

So its all in my head.... What's in my head you may ask? Well lets just say it was filled with delusions and voices of people telling me things. What things? Ill get to that later, let me start by telling you how and when I started hearing and seeing these delusions.

I am now, right now, 129 days in my recovery from an evil, ugly, horrible addiction from Heroin and Meth. Now before you start to label me as a disgusting junkie who has no soul, I want you to understand that Addiction, any Addiction is a disease. Its a disease of the brain. It literally hijacks the brains reward system. This system has an important role in sustaining life because it links activities needed for human survival with pleasure and reward. Did I loose you? Think of it this way. Lets say you are so super thirsty, and its a hot, hot day. Now you can have that cold glass of water, but if you drink it, it will lead to health problems, loosing your family and friends, maybe even your kids, loosing your mind, and everything you own. Still want that drink of water? All of you I'm sure said no. But someone who has an addiction to that cold water, would still want it.

I don't want to get into to much about the chemistry of the brain today, but hopefully that explains what addiction is like for those of you who don't struggle with this disease. Now back to ME :)

I started to use Heroin and Meth in 2014, but my addiction started long before that, in 2011. I hurt my back and was prescribed pain pills. Not knowing then what they would lead me to, it seemed like the best thing at the time because steroid injections and nerve blocks were not working on my back.
Flash forward 4 years.....
I started using Heroin as a substitute for my pill addiction because it was cheaper then buying my meds, it was way stronger, and it lasted longer.... Meth just came with heroin. At least it did with me. Now I only used heroin for my back pain, not trying to justify it, just telling you that I really did hate using it. Now Meth, that was another story. I think the reason why I loved that poison (I say poison, because that is what it literally was.... rat poison and battery acid) so much was because it made me loose weight at a very fast rate. Like with in 3 weeks I had lost 30 pounds.... Now this was a huge thing for me because I have always had self image issues. Ever since high school I have been so hard on myself for the way I looked physically. So bad in fact it let to self mutilation all though my teens and early twenties.  Those of you who went to high school with me, or knew me while I was in high school are probably surprised. I hid my self loathing pretty well, I thought.  That's a whole other post..... Anyway......

So here I am its December 2015, a year and a half into my use, and something drastic starts happening. I start to hear peoples voices. I don't want to be specific because I don't want to freak anyone out, but lets just say the voices I heard were of people I knew. People I saw all the time in some cases.... Now at first I didn't think anything of it. It wasn't until I started to hear these voices sounding like they were in pain, or needed help. It was so real to me that I would run out of my house looking for them. I mean what would you do? You hear someone screaming for help you would do the same thing right? Well this happened every night for almost a year.... I was either running out side trying to help some imaginary person, or I was in my house thinking that people were right outside my windows trying to talk to me. I think about this now, and it makes me sad. Mainly because I would talk back to these imaginary voices, thinking that they were really there, and my husband would tell me that no one was there. I never believed him. EVER. It makes me sad because instead of believing the one person who was physically there, I chose to believe the voices I was hearing.
Now, before you judge me or label me as "a crazy person" let me explain how real this was for me. I would be in the bathroom, with the door shut, and I would hear Russ's voice. The person I love more then anything in this world, tell me that he hates me and that he never loved me (this was just the nice version of what I heard) Now imagine yourself in your bathroom, and the voice of someone you love, clear as day says something like this. What would you do? Open the door right? Well that's what I did. Low and behold, no one is there. But wait.... I do see something.... Its a reflection of Russ standing in the laundry room. Welcome hallucinations! So now I'm not only hearing things, but seeing them as well. So if you hear things, and then what you hear is confirmed by seeing the things that you hear, wouldn't you believe it? Most of you would say yes. And that's just what I did. Believed what I was hearing and seeing was real.

I'm sure all of you are saying "well Mallory, why don't you just stop using the drugs." If you are saying this right now, please refer back to the top where I explain that addiction is a disease of the brain. My brain, at the time, thought  that the only way to survive was to do the drugs. Like I said earlier, even though I knew the horrible effects of these drugs, I couldn't stop.....

So the name of my blog..... It's all in my head. Get it now?

Thankfully I finally got a wake up call after 2 1/2 years of using these disgusting drugs. And being in treatment I learned what was making me have these delusions. I was diagnosed with Meth induced psychosis and Schizophrenia. The drug caused legions on my brain which is what started the delusions. After months of trying different medication, nothing was working. I was so upset because I was sober, but still hearing these voices. I got so frustrated with all the issues with medications, that I told my doctor that I would rather live and deal with these voices then have all the side effects of the medications. So I didn't take anything... and just tried to ignore the voices... Then a miracle happened.

                                                     TO BE CONTINUED.......