So I have achieved 157 days of sobriety. I have been attending recovery classes everyday for the same amount of time, and am starting to finally get my life back together. I have done so much hard work to get this far, you would think I should be feeling great right? Unfortunately like most people in addiction recovery, I am struggling with very low self-esteem which has kept me from feeling happy, worthy, and satisfied and has made my sobriety a challenge.
What is self- esteem? Self-esteem is our perception of our worth as a person - including our feelings of confidence and satisfaction with our life. People who struggle with low self-esteem act and think in ways associated with not feeling like they are good and worthy person. Add someone who struggles with an addiction, and its 10x worse.
Low self-esteem and drug addiction often go hand in hand. People with low self-esteem are more likely to turn to drugs and alcohol to TEMPORARILY feel better about themselves, which leads to a viscous cycle of using substances and experiencing lower and lower self-esteem. The key word here is TEMPORARILY....So all your low self-esteem issues are numbed for a period of time while your using. From my own experience, I used meth because it made me loose weight drastically in a very short amount of time. At the time, I thought I looked great. For some odd reason, when I looked in the mirror, I saw this skinny, fit, beautifully sculpted women, when in reality I looked very pale, sickly, ragged, and unclean. I didn't realized how bad I looked until I got sober and started to see other addicts on the train and bus. Now not to say all addicts look pale, sickly, and ragged. I mean, when I was using, dealers would tell me all the time, "you don't look like an addict at all". (I seriously thought I was so cool because I didn't "look like an addict") I thought I was getting away with my addiction because of what other addicts and dealers would say to me. I seriously got commented on it all the time. So in my head, I'm thinking that I look AMAZING! So that's what I saw in the mirror, a non-addict looking person. This only fed my desire to keep using because I wanted to keep this "beautiful" new look.
While in recovery I am glad to learn I am not alone in thinking this way. Other people struggling with the same addiction felt that they looked amazing because of all the weight they lost, and energy they had. And now that we are sober, our levels of self-esteem have plummeted, while feelings of shame and guilt sky-rocketed. In our addiction, we took part in behaviors that make it really hard to like ourselves, after getting sober the damage addiction has caused becomes clear and this weighs on our already low self-esteem. Fortunately, self-esteem is not a permanent characteristic. That means you can build it up if it is low. Here are 10 tips help build your self confidence and increase self-esteem.
1. Use Positive Affirmations
When it comes to positive affirmations, the key is to fake it til you make it. At first you will not believe your own words, but the more you say to your self "I am a good person who deserves respect and happiness" the more those words will ring true. I like to write on my mirrors.... MAL IS AWESOME! :) Ive seen it and read it to my self so much that I now know I am awesome!
2.Surround Yourself with Positive People
While self-esteem ultimately must come from within, we also need the support of others to succeed in staying sober. I have been so lucky to have such a supportive family. They keep me positive and if you can consciously attune yourself to the good in other people, you will most likely see the good in yourself.
3.Stop Comparing
I hear this all the time in treatment, you can not compare your recovery with another people. You can relate, but not compare. But my issue is comparing myself to other women. I see the fit, beautiful, do it all moms on facebook and I always compare myself to them. We all need to remember that we are all special and unique in our own way. When we start to compare ourselves with others, STOP, and remember that you are special and have talents that maybe the person who your comparing yourself with doesn't.
4.Recognize and Challenge Negative Thoughts
Easier said then done, I know, but the more you do this, the easier it is to challenge those thoughts. If you find your self saying "I cant.." try re-framing it to "I can try" or "I know its hard, but I am strong".
5.Keep a Journal
How does this help your self-esteem? Well not only can you remember days when you felt good, you can keep a gratitude journal. It will help you be more attuned to what is good in your life and be more optimistic. People who are optimistic tend to be more confident and have a higher self-esteem
6.Get to Know and Accept Yourself
A key to staying sober and feeling good is to continuously work on getting to know the you without the drugs. This is so hard because you were living your life with the drugs everyday, so everything you did, you did high. When you get sober you forget how to function like a normal person. So you are re-learning everything and finding out who you are as a person.
7.Focus on Success
Addicts in recovery are so hard on themselves. We can easily point out our failures each day, but never focus on the success we had that day. If we stay focused on every little success, like, being able to get up and go to treatment, staying sober, making dinner, cleaning the house, we have succeeded successfully for that day and we need to acknowledge it to ourselves.
8.Set Small Achievable Goals
SMALL is the key word here. I set way to high of goals when I first started treatment, this had a horrible in pact because instead of achieving the goals, they were so far out of my reach that it made me feel even worse about myself. Set small achievable goals, and when you complete them, you will notice your confidence increase.
9.Practice Loving Kindness Meditation
Loving kindness meditation can help free us from self-absorption and in turn fill us with feelings of acceptance. This meditation is simple and can be done by anyone. It consists of sending positive thoughts to those we love, but also to those we do not know well, to our enemies, and to all living beings.
10. Take Responsibility
Take responsibility for your own happiness and self-esteem. You and only you can create change in your life. Make a conscious decision to work towards becoming a more confident and self-loving person.
REMEMBER CHANGE TAKES TIME
Thursday, May 18, 2017
Monday, May 1, 2017
Why can't you just STOP!
So I posted in my first post a little bit about addiction being a disease and that I would go more in depth on another post..... This is that post!
"Why cant you just stop Mal"
I got asked this question a lot. Mostly by myself... lol. I would beat myself up everyday asking myself this question. Why cant I just stop. It wasn't until I started treatment that I discovered the answer to this very frustrating question. My hopes while you read this post is to get you to understand an addicts mind. It differs, greatly, from your mind. Our priorities and survival methoods become warped. Our mind is "rewired" to think that the only way to survive is to keep doing drugs.
The area of the brain that encourages a human to perform or repeat and action that promotes survival is called the survival/reinforcement circuit. Its normal function is to reinforce an action that promotes survival (eating, drinking) Unfortunately is also the part of the brain that is most effected by psychoactive drugs. When a psychoactive drug activates this pathway, the result is a feeling of satisfaction, a high, or a physical/emotional pain relief witch prompts the urge to do it again.
Now that we have stared using the drug, we have an altered brain chemistry. It makes our "stop" switch dysfunctional. Think of the SRC as a "go" switch. And the control circuit as our "stop" switch. So when this "stop" switch becomes dysfunctional and does not shut off the craving, the person continues to use because there are no instructions to stop. The SRC ("go" switch) and the control circuit ("stop" switch) have been hijacked, so the individual continues to use because its tricked into sensing that survival depends on it.
The "do it again" message becomes impossible to ignore, resulting in the drug seeking/using behavior regardless of the amount of pleasure the user experiences or the destruction the use ultimately causes.
Remember my cold glass of water story in my first post. Knowing what the water would do to you, of coarse you wouldn't drink it. That's because your brain recognizes the danger and figures out an alternative way to survive, and that's when your "stop" switch kicks in. For an addict, our "stop" switch is totally disabled, all our brain says to us "do it again" "cant survive with out it" so we still take that glass of water.
Why couldn't I just stop? Because my brain literally didn't have a stop circuit.
Our brains are wired to ensure that we will repeat life-sustaining activities by associating those activities with pleasure or reward. Whenever this reward circuit is activated the brain notes that something important is happening that needs to be remembered, and teaches us to do it again and again without thinking about it. Because drugs stimulate the same circuit, we learn to abuse drugs in the same way. And they are so much more addictive then natural rewards (like sex, eating, exercising) because they release 2 to 10 times the amount of dopamine that natural rewards. The effects of such a powerful reward strongly motivates people to take drugs again and again.
When you take away the drugs, addicts dopamine levels become abnormally low, and their ability to experience any pleasure is reduced. This is why an addict feels flat, lifeless, and depressed when they are not using. So they keep taking the drugs again and again just to try and bring their dopamine levels back to normal. Which only makes things worse, its just this vicious cycle addicts go through everyday.
I hope that can help you understand why addicts feel like they have no other choice but to use. From personal experience, I just wanted to feel normal. I honestly wanted to quit, but at the time, I couldn't see a future where I could be happy again unless I was using. So I kept using. It wasn't until December 2016 that I finally made an effort to get sober. It was extremely hard at first, honestly, the hardest thing I have ever had to do. I have had to retrain my brain. Will it ever go back to normal? No. It wont. Because of my use, I have now given myself a disease. Can I live a functioning life? Yes. Just like any other disease, it can be treated.
So I hope this helps anyone who doesn't understand addiction, and why it is considered a disease. The next time you think in your head "why cant they just stop", remember that they are only trying to survive. They don't know any other way.
"Why cant you just stop Mal"
I got asked this question a lot. Mostly by myself... lol. I would beat myself up everyday asking myself this question. Why cant I just stop. It wasn't until I started treatment that I discovered the answer to this very frustrating question. My hopes while you read this post is to get you to understand an addicts mind. It differs, greatly, from your mind. Our priorities and survival methoods become warped. Our mind is "rewired" to think that the only way to survive is to keep doing drugs.
The area of the brain that encourages a human to perform or repeat and action that promotes survival is called the survival/reinforcement circuit. Its normal function is to reinforce an action that promotes survival (eating, drinking) Unfortunately is also the part of the brain that is most effected by psychoactive drugs. When a psychoactive drug activates this pathway, the result is a feeling of satisfaction, a high, or a physical/emotional pain relief witch prompts the urge to do it again.
Now that we have stared using the drug, we have an altered brain chemistry. It makes our "stop" switch dysfunctional. Think of the SRC as a "go" switch. And the control circuit as our "stop" switch. So when this "stop" switch becomes dysfunctional and does not shut off the craving, the person continues to use because there are no instructions to stop. The SRC ("go" switch) and the control circuit ("stop" switch) have been hijacked, so the individual continues to use because its tricked into sensing that survival depends on it.
The "do it again" message becomes impossible to ignore, resulting in the drug seeking/using behavior regardless of the amount of pleasure the user experiences or the destruction the use ultimately causes.
Remember my cold glass of water story in my first post. Knowing what the water would do to you, of coarse you wouldn't drink it. That's because your brain recognizes the danger and figures out an alternative way to survive, and that's when your "stop" switch kicks in. For an addict, our "stop" switch is totally disabled, all our brain says to us "do it again" "cant survive with out it" so we still take that glass of water.
Why couldn't I just stop? Because my brain literally didn't have a stop circuit.
Our brains are wired to ensure that we will repeat life-sustaining activities by associating those activities with pleasure or reward. Whenever this reward circuit is activated the brain notes that something important is happening that needs to be remembered, and teaches us to do it again and again without thinking about it. Because drugs stimulate the same circuit, we learn to abuse drugs in the same way. And they are so much more addictive then natural rewards (like sex, eating, exercising) because they release 2 to 10 times the amount of dopamine that natural rewards. The effects of such a powerful reward strongly motivates people to take drugs again and again.
When you take away the drugs, addicts dopamine levels become abnormally low, and their ability to experience any pleasure is reduced. This is why an addict feels flat, lifeless, and depressed when they are not using. So they keep taking the drugs again and again just to try and bring their dopamine levels back to normal. Which only makes things worse, its just this vicious cycle addicts go through everyday.
I hope that can help you understand why addicts feel like they have no other choice but to use. From personal experience, I just wanted to feel normal. I honestly wanted to quit, but at the time, I couldn't see a future where I could be happy again unless I was using. So I kept using. It wasn't until December 2016 that I finally made an effort to get sober. It was extremely hard at first, honestly, the hardest thing I have ever had to do. I have had to retrain my brain. Will it ever go back to normal? No. It wont. Because of my use, I have now given myself a disease. Can I live a functioning life? Yes. Just like any other disease, it can be treated.
So I hope this helps anyone who doesn't understand addiction, and why it is considered a disease. The next time you think in your head "why cant they just stop", remember that they are only trying to survive. They don't know any other way.
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