Hello friends
I should have taken my own advice about watching a Disney movie after reading my last post. lol.
I had therapy this morning,(I got A LOT of issues lol) and I told my therapist that I just feel like "blah" today. She asked me what I wrote about last, I told her my suicide attempts, and she said "well have you forgiven yourself yet for that?".........
*blank stare*
"I think your unhappy and feeling like "blah" today because you still haven't forgiven yourself for attempting suicide, and reliving it in your blog brought back all your thoughts and guilt"
So I was going to do this post on Mental Illness (I will do this one later), but my therapist gave me an idea, so I'm doing this post on Self Forgiveness.
How do you forgive yourself? I had to think about this for a while. It wasn't until later today that I realized that everything I'm learning in recovery, has already taught me to forgive myself. I just haven't been applying it in my life. So here are my Steps to Self Forgiveness:
1.Take Responsibility (you did it, own it)
I believe this one is the first step because if you cant take responsibility for your own actions, that means your pushing all the blame on someone who does not deserve it. I spent the longest time blaming my voices for everything. I blamed them for my suicide attempts, I blamed them when my children were taken, I blamed them for every bad thing that happened to me. In treatment I learned that we are only responsible for 3 things. Our thoughts, our feelings, and our actions. It doesn't matter what someone else says to us, or does to us, its how we react to the situation that we are accountable for. Now this is a lot easier said then done, I know this. But if we all would just stop and think about how we respond to situations, and to control our emotions, we would have less conflict, tragedy, and heartache in our lives.
2.Talk it out (do not suppress your feelings)
I didn't realize this was so crucial until I started reliving my attempts. I never talked about these attempts to anyone. The only people who knew about these were people in my family. And the only reason they even knew was because I sent that "I'm sorry" message to them. But even so, I never went into detail about it. Its amazing what talking things out can do for a person. I talked it out today in therapy, and I feel 100xs better. Just the act of saying it out loud feels like a weight has been lifted off my chest. So try it, talk it out.
3.The past is in the PAST for a reason. (leave it there)
Living in guilt is something a lot of addicts struggle with. Once we get sober, we start to look at all the harm we did to other people, or ourselves, and are just floored. We think about it over and over again. That's when the guilt and shame comes rushing in. We think to ourselves "how could I do that?" "That was never something I could have ever seen myself doing" "How can they forgive me for that?". I look at all the harm I did to my family, my husband and my kids. It makes me sick to my stomach. Luckily all the people I hurt have forgiven me, but I am still stuck in this guilt..... Its hard to just leave the past in the past and not to dwell on it, especially when that past has been detrimental to the people you love. But the easiest way to get over that guilt is to do the 2 steps above and to do the last step below.
4.Challenge yourself to do good (you deserve it)
To help get past the guilt, you just need to make sure that you make each day better then the last. Its hard at first. You may think that you don't deserve any good in your life. That because of how you have hurt others, you deserve to stay hurt. By thinking this way, you will be stuck in this revolving door, and this door doesn't have an exit. So step to the side, let yourself out so you can continue on. Everyone deserves good, or to do good. And by doing good, it doesn't just effect you, it effects the lives around you, your family, your kids, or the one you love.
If there is anything I would want you to take away from this post its this......
Forgive yourself, nothing good comes from wishing we could change our past. When you start to feel any guilt or shame, go do something for someone else. You will be so surprised how doing some kind of service, or act of kindness can change your whole day.(plus it will distract your mind, and you wont be focused on feeling so down) Not to mention the day of someone else as well. Be kinder to yourself. We all have flaws, and have done things we are not proud of. Instead of dwelling on it, LEARN FROM IT!
....... That's all I have to say about that.......
(yes, I'm taking my own advice from now on)
Next Post: Why can't you just STOP!
Monday, April 24, 2017
Saturday, April 22, 2017
Master of Death x3
Well I hope I didn't lose to many people because of my experience with the Book of Mormon. For those of you still reading, I thank you for the support!
Fair warning.... this post is really long!
Okay so The Master of Death.....
What is the Master of Death? Well I got it from Harry Potter. It is what's tattooed on my arm. Its when you have the invisibility cloak, the elder wand, and the resurrection stone with you all at once, and you become The Master of Death.... So why do I love it so much? Well obviously reason #1, its Harry Potter related. #2 I have had my own personal experience with death. Now this came about because of my experience in 2012. Most of you already know the story.... Quick recap of it for those of you who don't know.
I had surgery in 2012, and during this time, I was full blown into my pain pill addiction. So much so that I lied to my surgeon about not getting enough pain pills from my doctor, so I would need extra for the month because of this surgery. That was a lie, in fact my back doctor prescribed me extra because he knew I was having the surgery. So I come home from my surgery and my mother was there to help me with Izzi and Ethan. Now instead of taking my pills like normal, I found that if you sniffed them.... It would hit you harder and faster. So that's what I was doing. 3 days after my surgery, I was sitting down stairs and felt SOOOOO Sleepy (did a little to many pills). So I tell my mom I'm going up stairs to sleep.
So now this is where I was told what happened to me. I don't have any recollection of this personally. My mom felt like something was wrong, so she went up stairs to check on me. Thank goodness she did because I was unconscious. I had not only overdosed, but in the process, thrown up in my mouth, and choked on my own throw up.
A few things happened to me that I feel are super personal (spiritually) that I don't want to share right now, but needless to say, I had an out of body experience.
Then I woke up in the ambulance on the way to the hospital, not knowing what the crap had just happened. ANYWAY.... that was a long way to describe that I felt like the Deathly Hallows symbol aka The Master of Death was a good fit for me.
NOW, how does this tie in to my addiction?
I told you I would talk about what the voices said to me and what they drove me to do. If you haven't guessed it already.... I tried to end my life last year. Not once, not twice, but three times.
Before I tell you how or why, just know that it will probably be descriptive. Its important for me to do so because I want you to know what was going through my mind and how I was feeling. It will be uncomfortable to read as much as it is uncomfortable for me to type.
July 2016-
I have been hearing voices and seeing hallucinations now for over 6 months. They were voices of people I knew and trusted. So again, try to imagine someone you love and trust telling you certain things about yourself, or what you should do. It was as clear as if I was standing behind you talking to you in your ear. I'm laying down with my husband, when I hear a voice say "You know he's cheating on you right? He never loved you, he only married you because you were pregnant"..... I sit up, look at Russ, and he's sound asleep. So I brush it off, okay that wasn't real Mal, go back to sleep.
I hear it again....."Mallory, who are you going to believe? Him, this man who has been lying to you for 10 years or me?" (again this was a voice of someone I hold very dear)
Now to help you understand why I would believe a voice, when I don't physically see anyone.... Remember I have been hearing and seeing delusions for over 6 months at this point. And they have said all these horrible things about my husband. My poor amazing husband took this verbal abuse from me for over a year, every day! I would start yelling at him.... out of know where.... all the things the voices were telling me. He NEVER did any of the things they said, but at the time my own mind turned me against my husband. So much so that I wouldn't believe anything he would say to me.
Okay so here I am listening to the voice, and then I hear Russ's voice. "She's so stupid, I cant believe she actually thinks I love her" "I have never loved her" .... And so much worse things said about me. It was like Russ and this persons voice were having this conversation right next to me, thinking that I couldn't hear them or something. So I woke up and hit Russ in the stomach.... not hard, because I wasn't trying to hurt him, I just wanted him to stop "pretending" to sleep, or that's what I thought he was doing. He wakes up and I start yelling at him. "Are you freaking serious?" (didn't say freaking) He looks up at me like what the crap Mal, and then I go off..... I start repeating all the crap I heard them talking about... and of coarse non of this actually happened, but I my mind, it did... So I tell him I'm leaving. I literally walk out of my house and start walking up the street, while hearing "Its about time you left, just go kill your self and put us all out of our misery".......
Now this was the first time I heard those words..."go kill yourself". So I keep walking, all the while talking to my dilutions. Every time I would look behind me, I thought I was seeing them following me... so I walked around my neighborhood for 2 hours trying to run from them. So there I was walking alone around 2am just talking to myself, crying and thinking that my life was over because, I thought at the time that my husband wants me to kill myself.
I make it back home, and here was that voice again. "Mallory, you trust me, so trust me when I say this, He wants you dead, everyone wants you dead. Everyone has been so disappointed in you, you have let everyone down and no one will be sad if you end it, JUST END IT"
So Russ is sleeping again, but this is not surprising because we had just been up for 5 or so days, and me yelling at him, running out side of the house is nothing new. Remember I did this pretty much everyday.
I walk past him, go into the bathroom and lock the door. I had made up my mind about it. I was going to kill myself. So I get this lamp that we used in the bathroom, it was a portable lamp with a long cord, I tie it to the shower head, and tie it around my neck. I sent an "I'm sorry" message to my family... Then I put all my weight on the cord.
As I slowly started to feel myself loosing air, my eyes started to hurt really bad, and so did my ears. I can still remember that pain, it hurt really bad, kinda like straining your eyes really hard mixed with someone shoving something sharp in your ear at the same time..... Then my eyes shut.
I woke up in my bathtub an hour or so later. My neck hurt so bad, and so did my ears. I came to the conclusion that I must not have tied the cord right because I noticed the knot I tied had been loosened.
So my failed attempt at suicide left me with red blood shot eyes, horrible ringing in my ears, and a bruised and red neck with a line across it where the cord was.
Remember how I sent a message to my family a simple "I'm sorry". Well my sisters must have known that it wasn't just an I'm sorry for being a drug addict, or I'm sorry for everything I have done to you... They must have known that it was something serious because they showed up at my house that morning. I didn't even realized how I looked when I opened the door.
Imagine seeing your sibling pale, bloodshot eyed, bruised neck with a red line across their neck. I looked dead. Or at least that's what they told me later. I opened the door. But I wouldn't let them come in. I was so embarrassed that I couldn't even kill myself the right way. That's seriously what was going through my head. "I cant even tie a damn knot"....
I don't remember everything we said to each other because my goal was to just get them to leave. I pretty much shut the door on them, and went back into the bathroom to look at myself. This was the first time I actually saw what they saw.
It was so bad that my sister actually had nightmares about it.... that's how bad I looked.
So call it Stupidity, call it luck, or call it a guardian angel. Something happened that night that prevented me from leaving this earth.
My voices didn't like that. They didn't like that at all. After that attempt my voices tormented me worse then ever before. Saying things that were so depressing, so horrible and crude. Imagine all your worst fears, things happening to the people you love, imagine that's what you would hear all day every day. That's what I was hearing. Remember how I said that "just go kill yourself" was never said to me before then. Well now that was mixed in with all the other horrible things.
August 2016-
My second attempt happened because of pretty much the same thing. But this time I started hearing my parents voices as well, telling me that I was disowned from the family, and that they never wanted me....Like I said, just all of my worst fears. It got so bad that while I was taking a shower, the only thing running through my head was suicide. Either because that's what was being said to me, or because I was literally thinking about it.
In my first post I mentioned that while in high school I did a lot of self mutilation. I used to cut my legs and wrists, I got away with this because I always blamed my marks on being clumsy, or I wore lost of bracelets. So I knew that cutting would help me feel something real, or at least take my mind off what was going on in my head.
So in my head, my parents hate me, Russ hates me, my kids hate me, I have no friends, no one cares.... just all these thoughts again going through my head. So I grab my shaver. Brake it apart and use the blade to try and cut my wrists. So I start pressing it into my skin.... I knew I needed to press harder then I would have normally pressed, but no matter how hard I did, it was just barely cutting into my arm... I didn't understand. Why is this not working.... so I tried my other arm/wrist.... same thing, no matter how hard I pressed, it wasn't working. So I grabbed a different blade, same thing happened. After probably about 10 mins I had a dozen or so "scratches" on my wrists and arms.
Now, Im emotionally drained because again the thoughts start racing through my mind, "Im so stupid, I cant even cut my wrists the right way"..... And then all I hear is laughing. The voices of everyone I love are laughing at me. "You are such a moron Mal, why don't you try hanging your self again.." "Just go ask your husband to shoot you, that way we know it will work"..... Just horrible things like that. I got out of the shower, got dressed and ran upstairs where I honestly, tried to overdose. Well again.... luckily, the dope I had must have been pretty crappy cuz I just woke up a little later.....
Call it stupidity, call it luck, or call it my guardian angel... again, something prevented me from leaving this earth.
September 2016-
Now this attempt I only have a little recollection of what happened.... What I want to make clear is that, I tried this attempt not because of what the voices were saying, I was totally used to the cruel horrific things they would say to me, but because I just couldn't take it anymore. What I remember is going out on an amazing day date with Russ. I wrote about it in my journal......
Dear Journal,
Today was perfect in everyway. Russ was my husband again. He made me fall back in love with him again (not that I fell out of love... but you get the expression) I don't know what happened from yesterday to today but WOW. Lets just say that I haven't stopped smiling all day. YEAH, Im actually smiling at my house! I haven't seen him act like this since when we first started dating! He was holding my hand in public, touching my leg on the bus, and has been waiting on me hand and foot! What did I do to deserve this? I don't know but I'm going to soak it all up while it lasts. He really is amazing, I totally trust him again.
*side note*
when I said Im actually smiling at my house- that's because most of the time I was tormented the worst when I was at home. So I was never happy there.
When I said I totally trust him again- that's because I always believed the voices over him, every time. I would never trust anything he said to me.
So here I was happier then I have ever been in a long time. So what do I do? Celebrate by getting high. I left Russ in the living room while he played on the computer, and I went into the next room to shoot up. I remember thinking, "what a perfect day, nothing can ruin this for me"..... Then a wave of darkness hit me. Everything was dark, except a single square straight ahead of me. It was almost like I saw a video playing in my mind of how happy everyone was. Everyone was so happy, so I see my self walking towards them wondering why everyone is celebrating, and I see my self. Laying there.... dead. After seeing that, the only thing I remember doing is walking into the kitchen, grabbing my bottle of Flexoril (muscle relaxer medication) going back into the room and swallowed a bunch.
I woke up in the hospital 3 days later. There were 10 pills left in my Flexoril bottle, I was prescribed 90. I had swallowed 80 pills.
Now medically, I have no idea if 80 Flexoril pills should have killed me. Add a pretty big shot of heroin and meth on top of that..... maybe. You would think so anyway. But it didn't. I think about this now and wonder why I don't have like severe brain damage or something.... (my family would say I already had brain damage.... lol).
AGAIN... Call it stupidity, call it luck, or call it guardian angel... Something prevented me from leaving this earth.
I joked with my family that the only reason I didn't die was because I have a deathly hallows tattoo, but they think it was something a little more powerful at work. Not to get all spiritual on you all again, but I have escaped death 4 times... 3 times just last year. Maybe I do have some support on the other side that untied the knot, held my strength back from pressing too hard, and kept me alive from what should have been a very deep sleep death. I don't know... I always blamed it on shear stupidity personally.... lol. A lot of people that attend the same treatment center I do have said that they think I have some "purpose" here on earth. And that's why I'm still here.
Yeah... my purpose was to waste all your time reading this post! HA!
On the serious side, suicide is no joke. I have friends who's family members have committed suicide, my uncle also did. I didn't understand it back then. I never understood why anyone would want to leave their families. But after struggling with depression..... I now understand why.
I never saw myself as suicidal. I don't want to completely blame the drugs either though. Yeah, they played a big part in this, but there was already a deep routed issue that it grew off of.
Depression. Its more then just being sad. For those of you who have never had issue with depression, I hope you never do. It can over take you in ways you could never imagine. Make you think that your world is going to end. It turns your own thoughts against you. You can try your hardest to be happy, and maybe that will work for a little bit, but if it goes untreated, and you never find a way to talk about it with anyone, you could end up where you think there is no other way out except by taking your life.(that may sound a little drastic to some of you, but I'm basing it off my own experience)
Having depression doesn't mean you cant live a full life, and it doesn't mean you can never be happy. It makes me sad because a lot of people think this way.
If you know someone who has tried to talk to you about feeling hopeless, or lost... please take it seriously. Don't ever just brush it aside, telling them to "buck-up", or to just get over it. Depression is hard to explain to someone who has never felt its effects.
This post is way to long already to go more into it, that's why my next post is going to be on Mental Illness.
I hope this post didn't make anyone to sad, or upset anyone. Like I have said, these are just my own opinions, and my own experiences.
Fair warning.... this post is really long!
Okay so The Master of Death.....
What is the Master of Death? Well I got it from Harry Potter. It is what's tattooed on my arm. Its when you have the invisibility cloak, the elder wand, and the resurrection stone with you all at once, and you become The Master of Death.... So why do I love it so much? Well obviously reason #1, its Harry Potter related. #2 I have had my own personal experience with death. Now this came about because of my experience in 2012. Most of you already know the story.... Quick recap of it for those of you who don't know.
I had surgery in 2012, and during this time, I was full blown into my pain pill addiction. So much so that I lied to my surgeon about not getting enough pain pills from my doctor, so I would need extra for the month because of this surgery. That was a lie, in fact my back doctor prescribed me extra because he knew I was having the surgery. So I come home from my surgery and my mother was there to help me with Izzi and Ethan. Now instead of taking my pills like normal, I found that if you sniffed them.... It would hit you harder and faster. So that's what I was doing. 3 days after my surgery, I was sitting down stairs and felt SOOOOO Sleepy (did a little to many pills). So I tell my mom I'm going up stairs to sleep.
So now this is where I was told what happened to me. I don't have any recollection of this personally. My mom felt like something was wrong, so she went up stairs to check on me. Thank goodness she did because I was unconscious. I had not only overdosed, but in the process, thrown up in my mouth, and choked on my own throw up.
A few things happened to me that I feel are super personal (spiritually) that I don't want to share right now, but needless to say, I had an out of body experience.
Then I woke up in the ambulance on the way to the hospital, not knowing what the crap had just happened. ANYWAY.... that was a long way to describe that I felt like the Deathly Hallows symbol aka The Master of Death was a good fit for me.
NOW, how does this tie in to my addiction?
I told you I would talk about what the voices said to me and what they drove me to do. If you haven't guessed it already.... I tried to end my life last year. Not once, not twice, but three times.
Before I tell you how or why, just know that it will probably be descriptive. Its important for me to do so because I want you to know what was going through my mind and how I was feeling. It will be uncomfortable to read as much as it is uncomfortable for me to type.
July 2016-
I have been hearing voices and seeing hallucinations now for over 6 months. They were voices of people I knew and trusted. So again, try to imagine someone you love and trust telling you certain things about yourself, or what you should do. It was as clear as if I was standing behind you talking to you in your ear. I'm laying down with my husband, when I hear a voice say "You know he's cheating on you right? He never loved you, he only married you because you were pregnant"..... I sit up, look at Russ, and he's sound asleep. So I brush it off, okay that wasn't real Mal, go back to sleep.
I hear it again....."Mallory, who are you going to believe? Him, this man who has been lying to you for 10 years or me?" (again this was a voice of someone I hold very dear)
Now to help you understand why I would believe a voice, when I don't physically see anyone.... Remember I have been hearing and seeing delusions for over 6 months at this point. And they have said all these horrible things about my husband. My poor amazing husband took this verbal abuse from me for over a year, every day! I would start yelling at him.... out of know where.... all the things the voices were telling me. He NEVER did any of the things they said, but at the time my own mind turned me against my husband. So much so that I wouldn't believe anything he would say to me.
Okay so here I am listening to the voice, and then I hear Russ's voice. "She's so stupid, I cant believe she actually thinks I love her" "I have never loved her" .... And so much worse things said about me. It was like Russ and this persons voice were having this conversation right next to me, thinking that I couldn't hear them or something. So I woke up and hit Russ in the stomach.... not hard, because I wasn't trying to hurt him, I just wanted him to stop "pretending" to sleep, or that's what I thought he was doing. He wakes up and I start yelling at him. "Are you freaking serious?" (didn't say freaking) He looks up at me like what the crap Mal, and then I go off..... I start repeating all the crap I heard them talking about... and of coarse non of this actually happened, but I my mind, it did... So I tell him I'm leaving. I literally walk out of my house and start walking up the street, while hearing "Its about time you left, just go kill your self and put us all out of our misery".......
Now this was the first time I heard those words..."go kill yourself". So I keep walking, all the while talking to my dilutions. Every time I would look behind me, I thought I was seeing them following me... so I walked around my neighborhood for 2 hours trying to run from them. So there I was walking alone around 2am just talking to myself, crying and thinking that my life was over because, I thought at the time that my husband wants me to kill myself.
I make it back home, and here was that voice again. "Mallory, you trust me, so trust me when I say this, He wants you dead, everyone wants you dead. Everyone has been so disappointed in you, you have let everyone down and no one will be sad if you end it, JUST END IT"
So Russ is sleeping again, but this is not surprising because we had just been up for 5 or so days, and me yelling at him, running out side of the house is nothing new. Remember I did this pretty much everyday.
I walk past him, go into the bathroom and lock the door. I had made up my mind about it. I was going to kill myself. So I get this lamp that we used in the bathroom, it was a portable lamp with a long cord, I tie it to the shower head, and tie it around my neck. I sent an "I'm sorry" message to my family... Then I put all my weight on the cord.
As I slowly started to feel myself loosing air, my eyes started to hurt really bad, and so did my ears. I can still remember that pain, it hurt really bad, kinda like straining your eyes really hard mixed with someone shoving something sharp in your ear at the same time..... Then my eyes shut.
I woke up in my bathtub an hour or so later. My neck hurt so bad, and so did my ears. I came to the conclusion that I must not have tied the cord right because I noticed the knot I tied had been loosened.
So my failed attempt at suicide left me with red blood shot eyes, horrible ringing in my ears, and a bruised and red neck with a line across it where the cord was.
Remember how I sent a message to my family a simple "I'm sorry". Well my sisters must have known that it wasn't just an I'm sorry for being a drug addict, or I'm sorry for everything I have done to you... They must have known that it was something serious because they showed up at my house that morning. I didn't even realized how I looked when I opened the door.
Imagine seeing your sibling pale, bloodshot eyed, bruised neck with a red line across their neck. I looked dead. Or at least that's what they told me later. I opened the door. But I wouldn't let them come in. I was so embarrassed that I couldn't even kill myself the right way. That's seriously what was going through my head. "I cant even tie a damn knot"....
I don't remember everything we said to each other because my goal was to just get them to leave. I pretty much shut the door on them, and went back into the bathroom to look at myself. This was the first time I actually saw what they saw.
It was so bad that my sister actually had nightmares about it.... that's how bad I looked.
So call it Stupidity, call it luck, or call it a guardian angel. Something happened that night that prevented me from leaving this earth.
My voices didn't like that. They didn't like that at all. After that attempt my voices tormented me worse then ever before. Saying things that were so depressing, so horrible and crude. Imagine all your worst fears, things happening to the people you love, imagine that's what you would hear all day every day. That's what I was hearing. Remember how I said that "just go kill yourself" was never said to me before then. Well now that was mixed in with all the other horrible things.
August 2016-
My second attempt happened because of pretty much the same thing. But this time I started hearing my parents voices as well, telling me that I was disowned from the family, and that they never wanted me....Like I said, just all of my worst fears. It got so bad that while I was taking a shower, the only thing running through my head was suicide. Either because that's what was being said to me, or because I was literally thinking about it.
In my first post I mentioned that while in high school I did a lot of self mutilation. I used to cut my legs and wrists, I got away with this because I always blamed my marks on being clumsy, or I wore lost of bracelets. So I knew that cutting would help me feel something real, or at least take my mind off what was going on in my head.
So in my head, my parents hate me, Russ hates me, my kids hate me, I have no friends, no one cares.... just all these thoughts again going through my head. So I grab my shaver. Brake it apart and use the blade to try and cut my wrists. So I start pressing it into my skin.... I knew I needed to press harder then I would have normally pressed, but no matter how hard I did, it was just barely cutting into my arm... I didn't understand. Why is this not working.... so I tried my other arm/wrist.... same thing, no matter how hard I pressed, it wasn't working. So I grabbed a different blade, same thing happened. After probably about 10 mins I had a dozen or so "scratches" on my wrists and arms.
Now, Im emotionally drained because again the thoughts start racing through my mind, "Im so stupid, I cant even cut my wrists the right way"..... And then all I hear is laughing. The voices of everyone I love are laughing at me. "You are such a moron Mal, why don't you try hanging your self again.." "Just go ask your husband to shoot you, that way we know it will work"..... Just horrible things like that. I got out of the shower, got dressed and ran upstairs where I honestly, tried to overdose. Well again.... luckily, the dope I had must have been pretty crappy cuz I just woke up a little later.....
Call it stupidity, call it luck, or call it my guardian angel... again, something prevented me from leaving this earth.
September 2016-
Now this attempt I only have a little recollection of what happened.... What I want to make clear is that, I tried this attempt not because of what the voices were saying, I was totally used to the cruel horrific things they would say to me, but because I just couldn't take it anymore. What I remember is going out on an amazing day date with Russ. I wrote about it in my journal......
Dear Journal,
Today was perfect in everyway. Russ was my husband again. He made me fall back in love with him again (not that I fell out of love... but you get the expression) I don't know what happened from yesterday to today but WOW. Lets just say that I haven't stopped smiling all day. YEAH, Im actually smiling at my house! I haven't seen him act like this since when we first started dating! He was holding my hand in public, touching my leg on the bus, and has been waiting on me hand and foot! What did I do to deserve this? I don't know but I'm going to soak it all up while it lasts. He really is amazing, I totally trust him again.
*side note*
when I said Im actually smiling at my house- that's because most of the time I was tormented the worst when I was at home. So I was never happy there.
When I said I totally trust him again- that's because I always believed the voices over him, every time. I would never trust anything he said to me.
So here I was happier then I have ever been in a long time. So what do I do? Celebrate by getting high. I left Russ in the living room while he played on the computer, and I went into the next room to shoot up. I remember thinking, "what a perfect day, nothing can ruin this for me"..... Then a wave of darkness hit me. Everything was dark, except a single square straight ahead of me. It was almost like I saw a video playing in my mind of how happy everyone was. Everyone was so happy, so I see my self walking towards them wondering why everyone is celebrating, and I see my self. Laying there.... dead. After seeing that, the only thing I remember doing is walking into the kitchen, grabbing my bottle of Flexoril (muscle relaxer medication) going back into the room and swallowed a bunch.
I woke up in the hospital 3 days later. There were 10 pills left in my Flexoril bottle, I was prescribed 90. I had swallowed 80 pills.
Now medically, I have no idea if 80 Flexoril pills should have killed me. Add a pretty big shot of heroin and meth on top of that..... maybe. You would think so anyway. But it didn't. I think about this now and wonder why I don't have like severe brain damage or something.... (my family would say I already had brain damage.... lol).
AGAIN... Call it stupidity, call it luck, or call it guardian angel... Something prevented me from leaving this earth.
I joked with my family that the only reason I didn't die was because I have a deathly hallows tattoo, but they think it was something a little more powerful at work. Not to get all spiritual on you all again, but I have escaped death 4 times... 3 times just last year. Maybe I do have some support on the other side that untied the knot, held my strength back from pressing too hard, and kept me alive from what should have been a very deep sleep death. I don't know... I always blamed it on shear stupidity personally.... lol. A lot of people that attend the same treatment center I do have said that they think I have some "purpose" here on earth. And that's why I'm still here.
Yeah... my purpose was to waste all your time reading this post! HA!
On the serious side, suicide is no joke. I have friends who's family members have committed suicide, my uncle also did. I didn't understand it back then. I never understood why anyone would want to leave their families. But after struggling with depression..... I now understand why.
I never saw myself as suicidal. I don't want to completely blame the drugs either though. Yeah, they played a big part in this, but there was already a deep routed issue that it grew off of.
Depression. Its more then just being sad. For those of you who have never had issue with depression, I hope you never do. It can over take you in ways you could never imagine. Make you think that your world is going to end. It turns your own thoughts against you. You can try your hardest to be happy, and maybe that will work for a little bit, but if it goes untreated, and you never find a way to talk about it with anyone, you could end up where you think there is no other way out except by taking your life.(that may sound a little drastic to some of you, but I'm basing it off my own experience)
Having depression doesn't mean you cant live a full life, and it doesn't mean you can never be happy. It makes me sad because a lot of people think this way.
If you know someone who has tried to talk to you about feeling hopeless, or lost... please take it seriously. Don't ever just brush it aside, telling them to "buck-up", or to just get over it. Depression is hard to explain to someone who has never felt its effects.
This post is way to long already to go more into it, that's why my next post is going to be on Mental Illness.
I hope this post didn't make anyone to sad, or upset anyone. Like I have said, these are just my own opinions, and my own experiences.
Thursday, April 20, 2017
My Miracle Medication
Let me start off this post by saying THANK YOU! Thank you to all those who read my first post and who have been super supportive about this blog! I really cant express how thankful I am for your comments and likes and little heart like thingys. (I'm never really on social media so the heart thingy is new to me)
Okay so I left you all on a cliff hanger.... that was on purpose, so that those of you who read my first one would be stuck to wonder what the crap happened to me, so it would make you read this one as well!!!! Muuaaaahhhhhhhaaahhhh.(evil laugh)
Before I start off where I left off, ha.... that sounded funny... anyway... I want to inform you that this part of my story is extremely religious/spiritual for me. So I will be talking about that A LOT, so if you are not a believer in my same religion, that's perfectly fine. I respect everyone's beliefs. I honestly do.... I just hope you will keep an open mind when you read about my experience. :) Okay?
When I started getting sober, I also started attending my LDS ward. I'm going to be honest with you and tell you that the only reason why I started going back to church was to please my family and my kids. That's the honest truth. Even though they never said... you need to go back to church.... I felt like if I started going, it would make them happy. So here I am, newly sober, harry potter tattooed sickly looking girl going to a ward where mostly old people attend. I was scared out of my mind because I thought they would take one look at me and turn their heads in disgust. But that didn't happen. In fact the opposite happened. I had all these older couples talking to me asking me questions and making me feel a little less uncomfortable. It was an odd feeling at first, because I was so used to people looking at me like a bug, a bug that needed to be squashed quickly.
So I kept going back, and week after week, I talked to more people, made new "older" friends (who by the way really do have the most hilarious stories to tell. Seriously, start talking to older people, they are AWESOME). After a month or so of going, I can say that I finally was going for myself. Not to please anyone, or make me look more holy or anything... I was going because it filled a void that I was missing.
So here I am 80ish days into sobriety, fully involved at my treatment center, going to church because I truly wanted to go, but I was still hearing voices. WHAT THE CRAP? IM DOING EVERYTHING RIGHT NOW LORD.... WHY HAVN'T YOU HELPED ME GET RID OF THESE VOICES? That's really what I yelled... but to be honest it wasn't the word crap... ha ha.
Then I thought about it, I never asked him to help me. So what do I do? I do the obvious thing.... Pray. Now I haven't personally prayed in like 10 or so years.....So I wasn't expecting much of an answer. The next morning I hear a voice. Now this voice was different then the rest. I couldn't recognize it. Remember I said that all the voices I heard were of people I knew? So I hear this "new" voice and it said read the Book of Mormon. HA. That's what I replied back to the voice... well it was more like "..... what the heck, why would I read that. I've already gone to seminary where I'm pretty sure I read it all, what good is a book going to do to help me get rid of these voices?". After an hour argument with myself, I just brushed it off as another annoying voice telling me what to do.
So I go to church and we have a lesson on The Book of Mormon. I seriously started laughing out loud. The ward already thinks I'm weird, so this was not new for them to see, but after I laughed, I heard the voice again "Read the Book of Mormon". Again, I brushed it off as an annoying voice and went about my day.
A few days pass by, after many arguments and discussions with myself (I did this a lot because the voices would say these horrible lies about me, or people I loved and I felt like I needed to defend myself and the other people they were talking about) I got bored with arguing the same argue over and over again and that's when I saw my scriptures on the ground. What the heck why not. So I start reading.
I read them every day for a week. It wasn't until I was driving home from class that I noticed it. I turned down my stereo (it was always super loud to drown out the voices). Nothing. I heard NOTHING. Almost in tears I thought to myself, what have I been doing differently that could have made this happen. The only thing I have been doing differently was reading the Book of Mormon. I swear to you this is the truth. So I called up my mom, frantic in excitement telling her that I haven't heard voices in a week and I'm pretty sure its because I started to read the Book of Mormon. I'm pretty sure she started to cry. Or maybe that was just me.... I don't know, someone was crying. I told everyone what had happened. A lot of people who were not LDS, didn't believe me. It wasn't until one of them noticed something different in me. Maybe it was the fact I wasn't walking around talking to myself anymore, or maybe it was just this "light" about me (I'm quoting someone that said that, once again, I'm not trying to act like I'm holier then anyone). Needless to say they told everyone else what they had noticed, and then they finally believed me.
My Miracle Medication. The Book of Mormon.
Now I'm not encouraging anyone to go off their meds, and to pick up the BOM or Bible in hopes to cure a disease.... please do not do that. (unless you genuinely want to read it, then go a head, I will encourage that :) ) I'm just telling you about my experience.
So that's my story. Now I promised myself that I would be honest in this blog, bold and blunt. I'm not totally without the voices. But the frequency of them are at a very low muffle. Instead of having to rely on my husband to help me figure out if what I was hearing was real or not, I now only hear voices when I'm about to go to sleep. And they are so quiet, that if I do hear them, I know the difference between reality and non-reality. (no more running out side to help imaginary people) lol.
I titled my blog, It's All In My Head, for a good reason. These first 2 posts were to just inform you how I started hearing voices, and how I've managed to cope with them. My next posts are more of what they said to me and what they drove me to do. But my main reason for starting this blog was because I want to help inform people about addiction. Its a disease, and like any disease it can be maintained and controlled with proper medication and treatment. If you know someone who has an addiction, please don't disown them, don't judge them, and most of all NEVER stop loving them. One huge reason why I have been able to come out of my addiction has been because of the love and support of my family. I hear so many stories of women and men who have been going through their recovery and relapsing over and over again, and their reasons are all the same. They have no support. No one who loves them enough to stick through the heartache, the pain, the agony of dealing with their addiction. So my advice to anyone who has family struggling with this addiction, or any addiction.... Stick by them. Make sure they know you love them. It could make the difference from them staying sober to them overdosing because they think they have no one who would care if they died.
That's my spill...Ill get of my "soap box" now. Although I cant promise that Ill never bring it up again in another post. I'm just super passionate about it.
Stay tuned for my next post, its going to be a super touchy subject with most people. But once again, I'm just telling you my story and how this effected me.
Next Post: Master of Death x3
Okay so I left you all on a cliff hanger.... that was on purpose, so that those of you who read my first one would be stuck to wonder what the crap happened to me, so it would make you read this one as well!!!! Muuaaaahhhhhhhaaahhhh.(evil laugh)
Before I start off where I left off, ha.... that sounded funny... anyway... I want to inform you that this part of my story is extremely religious/spiritual for me. So I will be talking about that A LOT, so if you are not a believer in my same religion, that's perfectly fine. I respect everyone's beliefs. I honestly do.... I just hope you will keep an open mind when you read about my experience. :) Okay?
When I started getting sober, I also started attending my LDS ward. I'm going to be honest with you and tell you that the only reason why I started going back to church was to please my family and my kids. That's the honest truth. Even though they never said... you need to go back to church.... I felt like if I started going, it would make them happy. So here I am, newly sober, harry potter tattooed sickly looking girl going to a ward where mostly old people attend. I was scared out of my mind because I thought they would take one look at me and turn their heads in disgust. But that didn't happen. In fact the opposite happened. I had all these older couples talking to me asking me questions and making me feel a little less uncomfortable. It was an odd feeling at first, because I was so used to people looking at me like a bug, a bug that needed to be squashed quickly.
So I kept going back, and week after week, I talked to more people, made new "older" friends (who by the way really do have the most hilarious stories to tell. Seriously, start talking to older people, they are AWESOME). After a month or so of going, I can say that I finally was going for myself. Not to please anyone, or make me look more holy or anything... I was going because it filled a void that I was missing.
So here I am 80ish days into sobriety, fully involved at my treatment center, going to church because I truly wanted to go, but I was still hearing voices. WHAT THE CRAP? IM DOING EVERYTHING RIGHT NOW LORD.... WHY HAVN'T YOU HELPED ME GET RID OF THESE VOICES? That's really what I yelled... but to be honest it wasn't the word crap... ha ha.
Then I thought about it, I never asked him to help me. So what do I do? I do the obvious thing.... Pray. Now I haven't personally prayed in like 10 or so years.....So I wasn't expecting much of an answer. The next morning I hear a voice. Now this voice was different then the rest. I couldn't recognize it. Remember I said that all the voices I heard were of people I knew? So I hear this "new" voice and it said read the Book of Mormon. HA. That's what I replied back to the voice... well it was more like "..... what the heck, why would I read that. I've already gone to seminary where I'm pretty sure I read it all, what good is a book going to do to help me get rid of these voices?". After an hour argument with myself, I just brushed it off as another annoying voice telling me what to do.
So I go to church and we have a lesson on The Book of Mormon. I seriously started laughing out loud. The ward already thinks I'm weird, so this was not new for them to see, but after I laughed, I heard the voice again "Read the Book of Mormon". Again, I brushed it off as an annoying voice and went about my day.
A few days pass by, after many arguments and discussions with myself (I did this a lot because the voices would say these horrible lies about me, or people I loved and I felt like I needed to defend myself and the other people they were talking about) I got bored with arguing the same argue over and over again and that's when I saw my scriptures on the ground. What the heck why not. So I start reading.
I read them every day for a week. It wasn't until I was driving home from class that I noticed it. I turned down my stereo (it was always super loud to drown out the voices). Nothing. I heard NOTHING. Almost in tears I thought to myself, what have I been doing differently that could have made this happen. The only thing I have been doing differently was reading the Book of Mormon. I swear to you this is the truth. So I called up my mom, frantic in excitement telling her that I haven't heard voices in a week and I'm pretty sure its because I started to read the Book of Mormon. I'm pretty sure she started to cry. Or maybe that was just me.... I don't know, someone was crying. I told everyone what had happened. A lot of people who were not LDS, didn't believe me. It wasn't until one of them noticed something different in me. Maybe it was the fact I wasn't walking around talking to myself anymore, or maybe it was just this "light" about me (I'm quoting someone that said that, once again, I'm not trying to act like I'm holier then anyone). Needless to say they told everyone else what they had noticed, and then they finally believed me.
My Miracle Medication. The Book of Mormon.
Now I'm not encouraging anyone to go off their meds, and to pick up the BOM or Bible in hopes to cure a disease.... please do not do that. (unless you genuinely want to read it, then go a head, I will encourage that :) ) I'm just telling you about my experience.
So that's my story. Now I promised myself that I would be honest in this blog, bold and blunt. I'm not totally without the voices. But the frequency of them are at a very low muffle. Instead of having to rely on my husband to help me figure out if what I was hearing was real or not, I now only hear voices when I'm about to go to sleep. And they are so quiet, that if I do hear them, I know the difference between reality and non-reality. (no more running out side to help imaginary people) lol.
I titled my blog, It's All In My Head, for a good reason. These first 2 posts were to just inform you how I started hearing voices, and how I've managed to cope with them. My next posts are more of what they said to me and what they drove me to do. But my main reason for starting this blog was because I want to help inform people about addiction. Its a disease, and like any disease it can be maintained and controlled with proper medication and treatment. If you know someone who has an addiction, please don't disown them, don't judge them, and most of all NEVER stop loving them. One huge reason why I have been able to come out of my addiction has been because of the love and support of my family. I hear so many stories of women and men who have been going through their recovery and relapsing over and over again, and their reasons are all the same. They have no support. No one who loves them enough to stick through the heartache, the pain, the agony of dealing with their addiction. So my advice to anyone who has family struggling with this addiction, or any addiction.... Stick by them. Make sure they know you love them. It could make the difference from them staying sober to them overdosing because they think they have no one who would care if they died.
That's my spill...Ill get of my "soap box" now. Although I cant promise that Ill never bring it up again in another post. I'm just super passionate about it.
Stay tuned for my next post, its going to be a super touchy subject with most people. But once again, I'm just telling you my story and how this effected me.
Next Post: Master of Death x3
It's All In My Head
Well Hello Family and Friends, (and possibly strangers)
I'm starting this blog because I think my life is just that interesting that it has to be published somehow. :) For all that know me, completely understand this, for those of you who are reading this and don't really know me... I am an attention grabbing, outgoing, somewhat obnoxious girl who really thinks that everything she says should be written down as inspirational quotes.
The main reason for this post is just to quickly outline why I chose the name of this blog the way I did, and to have you waste an incredible amount of time reading this.
So its all in my head.... What's in my head you may ask? Well lets just say it was filled with delusions and voices of people telling me things. What things? Ill get to that later, let me start by telling you how and when I started hearing and seeing these delusions.
I am now, right now, 129 days in my recovery from an evil, ugly, horrible addiction from Heroin and Meth. Now before you start to label me as a disgusting junkie who has no soul, I want you to understand that Addiction, any Addiction is a disease. Its a disease of the brain. It literally hijacks the brains reward system. This system has an important role in sustaining life because it links activities needed for human survival with pleasure and reward. Did I loose you? Think of it this way. Lets say you are so super thirsty, and its a hot, hot day. Now you can have that cold glass of water, but if you drink it, it will lead to health problems, loosing your family and friends, maybe even your kids, loosing your mind, and everything you own. Still want that drink of water? All of you I'm sure said no. But someone who has an addiction to that cold water, would still want it.
I don't want to get into to much about the chemistry of the brain today, but hopefully that explains what addiction is like for those of you who don't struggle with this disease. Now back to ME :)
I started to use Heroin and Meth in 2014, but my addiction started long before that, in 2011. I hurt my back and was prescribed pain pills. Not knowing then what they would lead me to, it seemed like the best thing at the time because steroid injections and nerve blocks were not working on my back.
Flash forward 4 years.....
I started using Heroin as a substitute for my pill addiction because it was cheaper then buying my meds, it was way stronger, and it lasted longer.... Meth just came with heroin. At least it did with me. Now I only used heroin for my back pain, not trying to justify it, just telling you that I really did hate using it. Now Meth, that was another story. I think the reason why I loved that poison (I say poison, because that is what it literally was.... rat poison and battery acid) so much was because it made me loose weight at a very fast rate. Like with in 3 weeks I had lost 30 pounds.... Now this was a huge thing for me because I have always had self image issues. Ever since high school I have been so hard on myself for the way I looked physically. So bad in fact it let to self mutilation all though my teens and early twenties. Those of you who went to high school with me, or knew me while I was in high school are probably surprised. I hid my self loathing pretty well, I thought. That's a whole other post..... Anyway......
So here I am its December 2015, a year and a half into my use, and something drastic starts happening. I start to hear peoples voices. I don't want to be specific because I don't want to freak anyone out, but lets just say the voices I heard were of people I knew. People I saw all the time in some cases.... Now at first I didn't think anything of it. It wasn't until I started to hear these voices sounding like they were in pain, or needed help. It was so real to me that I would run out of my house looking for them. I mean what would you do? You hear someone screaming for help you would do the same thing right? Well this happened every night for almost a year.... I was either running out side trying to help some imaginary person, or I was in my house thinking that people were right outside my windows trying to talk to me. I think about this now, and it makes me sad. Mainly because I would talk back to these imaginary voices, thinking that they were really there, and my husband would tell me that no one was there. I never believed him. EVER. It makes me sad because instead of believing the one person who was physically there, I chose to believe the voices I was hearing.
Now, before you judge me or label me as "a crazy person" let me explain how real this was for me. I would be in the bathroom, with the door shut, and I would hear Russ's voice. The person I love more then anything in this world, tell me that he hates me and that he never loved me (this was just the nice version of what I heard) Now imagine yourself in your bathroom, and the voice of someone you love, clear as day says something like this. What would you do? Open the door right? Well that's what I did. Low and behold, no one is there. But wait.... I do see something.... Its a reflection of Russ standing in the laundry room. Welcome hallucinations! So now I'm not only hearing things, but seeing them as well. So if you hear things, and then what you hear is confirmed by seeing the things that you hear, wouldn't you believe it? Most of you would say yes. And that's just what I did. Believed what I was hearing and seeing was real.
I'm sure all of you are saying "well Mallory, why don't you just stop using the drugs." If you are saying this right now, please refer back to the top where I explain that addiction is a disease of the brain. My brain, at the time, thought that the only way to survive was to do the drugs. Like I said earlier, even though I knew the horrible effects of these drugs, I couldn't stop.....
So the name of my blog..... It's all in my head. Get it now?
Thankfully I finally got a wake up call after 2 1/2 years of using these disgusting drugs. And being in treatment I learned what was making me have these delusions. I was diagnosed with Meth induced psychosis and Schizophrenia. The drug caused legions on my brain which is what started the delusions. After months of trying different medication, nothing was working. I was so upset because I was sober, but still hearing these voices. I got so frustrated with all the issues with medications, that I told my doctor that I would rather live and deal with these voices then have all the side effects of the medications. So I didn't take anything... and just tried to ignore the voices... Then a miracle happened.
TO BE CONTINUED.......
I'm starting this blog because I think my life is just that interesting that it has to be published somehow. :) For all that know me, completely understand this, for those of you who are reading this and don't really know me... I am an attention grabbing, outgoing, somewhat obnoxious girl who really thinks that everything she says should be written down as inspirational quotes.
The main reason for this post is just to quickly outline why I chose the name of this blog the way I did, and to have you waste an incredible amount of time reading this.
So its all in my head.... What's in my head you may ask? Well lets just say it was filled with delusions and voices of people telling me things. What things? Ill get to that later, let me start by telling you how and when I started hearing and seeing these delusions.
I am now, right now, 129 days in my recovery from an evil, ugly, horrible addiction from Heroin and Meth. Now before you start to label me as a disgusting junkie who has no soul, I want you to understand that Addiction, any Addiction is a disease. Its a disease of the brain. It literally hijacks the brains reward system. This system has an important role in sustaining life because it links activities needed for human survival with pleasure and reward. Did I loose you? Think of it this way. Lets say you are so super thirsty, and its a hot, hot day. Now you can have that cold glass of water, but if you drink it, it will lead to health problems, loosing your family and friends, maybe even your kids, loosing your mind, and everything you own. Still want that drink of water? All of you I'm sure said no. But someone who has an addiction to that cold water, would still want it.
I don't want to get into to much about the chemistry of the brain today, but hopefully that explains what addiction is like for those of you who don't struggle with this disease. Now back to ME :)
I started to use Heroin and Meth in 2014, but my addiction started long before that, in 2011. I hurt my back and was prescribed pain pills. Not knowing then what they would lead me to, it seemed like the best thing at the time because steroid injections and nerve blocks were not working on my back.
Flash forward 4 years.....
I started using Heroin as a substitute for my pill addiction because it was cheaper then buying my meds, it was way stronger, and it lasted longer.... Meth just came with heroin. At least it did with me. Now I only used heroin for my back pain, not trying to justify it, just telling you that I really did hate using it. Now Meth, that was another story. I think the reason why I loved that poison (I say poison, because that is what it literally was.... rat poison and battery acid) so much was because it made me loose weight at a very fast rate. Like with in 3 weeks I had lost 30 pounds.... Now this was a huge thing for me because I have always had self image issues. Ever since high school I have been so hard on myself for the way I looked physically. So bad in fact it let to self mutilation all though my teens and early twenties. Those of you who went to high school with me, or knew me while I was in high school are probably surprised. I hid my self loathing pretty well, I thought. That's a whole other post..... Anyway......
So here I am its December 2015, a year and a half into my use, and something drastic starts happening. I start to hear peoples voices. I don't want to be specific because I don't want to freak anyone out, but lets just say the voices I heard were of people I knew. People I saw all the time in some cases.... Now at first I didn't think anything of it. It wasn't until I started to hear these voices sounding like they were in pain, or needed help. It was so real to me that I would run out of my house looking for them. I mean what would you do? You hear someone screaming for help you would do the same thing right? Well this happened every night for almost a year.... I was either running out side trying to help some imaginary person, or I was in my house thinking that people were right outside my windows trying to talk to me. I think about this now, and it makes me sad. Mainly because I would talk back to these imaginary voices, thinking that they were really there, and my husband would tell me that no one was there. I never believed him. EVER. It makes me sad because instead of believing the one person who was physically there, I chose to believe the voices I was hearing.
Now, before you judge me or label me as "a crazy person" let me explain how real this was for me. I would be in the bathroom, with the door shut, and I would hear Russ's voice. The person I love more then anything in this world, tell me that he hates me and that he never loved me (this was just the nice version of what I heard) Now imagine yourself in your bathroom, and the voice of someone you love, clear as day says something like this. What would you do? Open the door right? Well that's what I did. Low and behold, no one is there. But wait.... I do see something.... Its a reflection of Russ standing in the laundry room. Welcome hallucinations! So now I'm not only hearing things, but seeing them as well. So if you hear things, and then what you hear is confirmed by seeing the things that you hear, wouldn't you believe it? Most of you would say yes. And that's just what I did. Believed what I was hearing and seeing was real.
I'm sure all of you are saying "well Mallory, why don't you just stop using the drugs." If you are saying this right now, please refer back to the top where I explain that addiction is a disease of the brain. My brain, at the time, thought that the only way to survive was to do the drugs. Like I said earlier, even though I knew the horrible effects of these drugs, I couldn't stop.....
So the name of my blog..... It's all in my head. Get it now?
Thankfully I finally got a wake up call after 2 1/2 years of using these disgusting drugs. And being in treatment I learned what was making me have these delusions. I was diagnosed with Meth induced psychosis and Schizophrenia. The drug caused legions on my brain which is what started the delusions. After months of trying different medication, nothing was working. I was so upset because I was sober, but still hearing these voices. I got so frustrated with all the issues with medications, that I told my doctor that I would rather live and deal with these voices then have all the side effects of the medications. So I didn't take anything... and just tried to ignore the voices... Then a miracle happened.
TO BE CONTINUED.......
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