True Happiness is the BEST High!

When I went to Valley (my IOP treatment facility) on Tuesday, I got asked this question by some of the girls there...."Mal, did you relapse?"
.....*really questioned look on my face*.....
"Um NO! Why do you ask that?"
"Because your smiling a whole lot, talking a whole lot, and are WAY to happy and energetic today"
.....*REALLY questioned look on my face again*......
"I'm just REALLY happy today! The happiest I have been in a long time actually"
*totally not believing expressions on all their faces*

I came home and thought about it..... Was I really acting like I was High on something? I mean, I had just left my mom and Meg and they didn't say anything to be about my behavior..... and they totally would have called me out if they had because they saw me on drugs, they knew how I acted when I was on something, and they didn't say one word to me about my behavior being weird....
It didn't dawn on me until the next day why they asked me that question....

Anyone who didn't know me before I used drugs, doesn't know my REAL personality. The REAL Mal is a fast talking, outgoing, bubbly, energetic and slightly obnoxious/annoying girl. Then it hit me like a ton of bricks....

I'M BACK TO MY OLD SELF! *screams with excitement*

That's why my mom and Meg didn't say anything to me before I left to treatment! They just saw what they have always seen..... it may have been hidden for a few years but they saw their daughter/sister acting the way she always used to. So that smiley, talkative, energetic, slightly obnoxious/annoying girl was normal to them!

After this eye opening and mind blowing revelation I was super excited! I felt happy, energetic, and I did it would out ANY use of a substance! It was pure and true happiness. I hope you all know how big of a deal this is for me! Remember in my post "why cant you just stop?" I talked about how addicts dopamine levels were so high that even the most enjoyable activities that would make anyone happy, or excited, had little to no effect for an addict. That's how its been for me lately. I had everything going great in my life, things were coming back to normal, I was being the mom I used to be, my family started to trust me again, everyone has been so supportive and understanding, but I still was not finding anything to make me "happy".

My sister gave me this AMAZING book called Be Happy written by Hank Smith. I've only just started it, but I have learned SOOOOOO much from it already. One thing I wanted to share with you that he talks about is the statistics of happiness..... This will blow your mind.

50% of your happiness comes from Genetic Tendencies..... so your DNA
40% of your happiness comes from Intentional Activities.... that's your behavior
and 10%..... only 10% comes from Circumstances

SHOCKING RIGHT!!!!!!

If you would have asked me 7 months ago, what made me happy..... I would have told you Meth and Heroin. That's the only way I could be happy. And that''s only if I had enough to last me all day. Hank Smith explains circumstantial happiness perfectly. (and he does it by explaining it with pizza or ice cream!)
The first bite is THE BEST! Oh man is that bite life changing. The second bite is still pretty great, but not quite as good as the first bite. The third bite is okay, but now its going dowhill a little. By the ninth or tenth bite you want something else. In other words, you need a different "high". This is a phenomenon called Hedonic Adaptation. It means conditions that once made you exhilaratingly happy just don't do it for you after a while. So CIRCUMSTANCES DON'T DEFINE HAPPINESS!
So the next time you think that you need the new car, new phone, new wardrobe etc.... to make you happy. You are wrong. It will just cause some pleasure, which is totally different then happiness. But that wont last.

40% of your happiness comes from the things you do to manage you happiness- your behavior. Lets call it Passion; the happiest people are those who have found their specific gifts and who use those gifts in a cause greater then themselves.
I'm not saying that I'm the GREATEST BLOGGER to ever have hit the internet, but I feel like I have a gift for sharing and teaching people how NOT to live their lives..... lol. Seriously..... I have shared part of my story, a very scary and vulnerable part of my life in hopes that I can help people can learn from my mistakes, or help them understand why an addict does what they do. And I have had people share with me that they appreciate what I write about, and have a better understanding of addiction now. So I like to think that this is my "special gift". It makes me truly happy when I hear a mom, or dad of an addict thank me for explaining addiction in a way they could understand, and be able to help and support their addicted child. (this really happened..... I was floored when I got this response) This brings me True Happiness......

50% of happiness comes from DUUH NAA (its pronounced D.N.A) <--- if you dont get that joke, you need to watch Zootopia. ha ha ha ha.
So where does happiness originate? In your brain. Not in your heart like the media would have you believe. Valentines day should be filled with pictures of little brains and candy shaped brains with cards that read "I love you with all my brain!". I mean if we want to be accurate. Makes sense. But probably wouldn't be as romantic as a heart......
The brain matters to happiness.... and not just a little. 50%, half of your happiness comes from your DNA. So if your generally a very happy person, you can thank your parents. If, on the other hand, your generally pretty miserable, you can settle into the therapist's chouch and blame your parents. LOL. But here is the thing about being pretty miserable genetically..... you can change that. The brain is constantly changing. It will take some time, but you can retrain your brain to be positive. :) SO NO EXCUSES!!!!

Okay so back to me! Because I'm an attention seeking person, I want everything to be about me. I mean, my blog is titled "it;s all in MY head" lol.......

So lets journey back to how the heck I got my first Happiness High! As I mentioned before, this is a huge deal. I have been so down, and depressed despite having AMAZING progress in my recovery, and in my family life..... I literally was at the lowest point in my recovery just a few days ago. No matter what I did, I felt like it was never going to be enough. The funny thing about low points is that just when you are about to give up, just when you think that no matter what you do, you are always going to have this little black cloud following you around..... if you can hold on for just a second longer..... literally that's all it takes, a second..... that's when you will FINALLY get lifted back up and feel that joy, and elation of being alive. That's what happened to me.

Here I am at the lowest, and I mean LOWEST (all caps make it more dramatic) point in my recovery. In my head all I'm thinking is "I might as well use, because that's what made me happy" "I will never get this "happy high" that normal people get" "I'm doing everything right but, nothing is making me happy"....... thoughts like this may not seem like a  huge deal to you, but to an addict, these kind of thoughts are very dangerous. I was explaining this to my family, and they, being the AMAZING supportive and loving people that they are said "just keep doing what your doing, it will all turn out" and "Pray about it Mal". TOTALLY NOT what I wanted to hear, but I kept on keeping on, and I prayed about it....... then I got a text message......

 "Hey Mal, I could really use your help next week with my summer camp" (it said a little more but that is the jist of it)
I stopped everything I was doing.... Ran to my mom and told her I got this message. I told her I literally prayed about this, and I got an answer. Her response was like "I told you so".
Why is this so monumental? (here is a little history) Well this company is called Up With Kids!. I grew up in this musical theature company. The ladies who run this AMAZING company are like 2nd moms to me. Their daughters are like sisters to me, and it pretty much has been my whole life. I got the chance to work for them after I had Izzi, and it was the GREATEST time of my life. I got to teach and direct plays and sing, dance and act every day. Total dream job! Unfortunately my pill addiction got the best of me and I had to leave the company. After that, I hit rock bottom.... That's when I started abusing drugs..... 

Flash forward a few years.......
(during these years.... all I could honestly think about is how I blew it with this career, it really killed me everyday. You can ask my family.... that's all I would talk about)

When I got sober, I contacted them asking them if there was anything I could do to return to this career. They have a strict Drug Policy that stated that I would have to have compleated treatment and have sobriety for 6 plus months. DONE! So when I got this message..... I literally got this "happiness high". Right then and there..... I couldn't contain myself. I wanted to tell everyone at treatment.... Hence the question I got at the top of this post..... lol.

True Happiness is the BEST high. Why? Its a positive force that will stick with you. Substances will give you pleasure.... but pleasure doesn't last. Happiness.... TRUE HAPPINESS lasts. I finally found my happiness. I hope you all can find yours.
Just remember if you are having those tough days, days that seem like there is no hope for tomorrow, and they just keep knocking you lower and lower and your stuck wondering why your feeling this way, why your being plagued with this depression or anxiety.....  write this quote down somewhere you can read it daily.....
"It was meant to be that life would be a challenge. To suffer some anxiety, some depression, some disappointment, even some failure is normal. If you have a good miserable day once in a while, or several in a row, stand steady and face them. Things WILL straighten out. There's great purpose in our struggle in life." - President Boyd K. Packer

Happiness does not mean being free from problems and trials, but finding purpose in problems and trials can result in abundant happiness. Find your purpose in your trials, find your special gifts and don't be scared to share them. I will end with one of my FAVORITE quotes of all time......

"Happiness can be found in even the darkest of times, if one only remembers to turn on the light" -Albus Dumbledore

NEVER forget to turn on YOUR light. :)