Master of Death x3

Well I hope I didn't lose to many people because of my experience with the Book of Mormon. For those of you still reading, I thank you for the support!

Fair warning.... this post is really long!

Okay so The Master of Death.....
What is the Master of Death? Well I got it from Harry Potter. It is what's tattooed on my arm. Its when you have the invisibility cloak, the elder wand, and the resurrection stone with you all at once, and you become The Master of Death.... So why do I love it so much? Well obviously reason #1, its Harry Potter related. #2 I have had my own personal experience with death. Now this came about because of my experience in 2012. Most of you already know the story.... Quick recap of it for those of you who don't know.
I had surgery in 2012, and during this time, I was full blown into my pain pill addiction. So much so that I lied to my surgeon about not getting enough pain pills from my doctor, so I would need extra for the month because of this surgery. That was a lie, in fact my back doctor prescribed me extra because he knew I was having the surgery. So I come home from my surgery and my mother was there to help me with Izzi and Ethan. Now instead of taking my pills like normal, I found that if you sniffed them.... It would hit you harder and faster. So that's what I was doing. 3 days after my surgery, I was sitting down stairs and felt SOOOOO Sleepy (did a little to many pills). So I tell my mom I'm going up stairs to sleep.
So now this is where I was told what happened to me. I don't have any recollection of this personally. My mom felt like something was wrong, so she went up stairs to check on me. Thank goodness she did because I was unconscious. I had not only overdosed, but in the process, thrown up in my mouth, and choked on my own throw up.
A few things happened to me that I feel are super personal (spiritually) that I don't want to share right now, but needless to say, I had an out of body experience.
Then I woke up in the ambulance on the way to the hospital, not knowing what the crap had just happened. ANYWAY.... that was a long way to describe that I felt like the Deathly Hallows symbol aka The Master of Death was a good fit for me.

NOW, how does this tie in to my addiction?
I told you I would talk about what the voices said to me and what they drove me to do. If you haven't guessed it already.... I tried to end my life last year. Not once, not twice, but three times.

Before I tell you how or why, just know that it will probably be descriptive. Its important for me to do so because I want you to know what was going through my mind and how I was feeling. It will be uncomfortable to read as much as it is uncomfortable for me to type.

July 2016-
I have been hearing voices and seeing hallucinations now for over 6 months. They were voices of people I knew and trusted. So again, try to imagine someone you love and trust telling you certain things about yourself, or what you should do. It was as clear as if I was standing behind you talking to you in your ear. I'm laying down with my husband, when I hear a voice say "You know he's cheating on you right? He never loved you, he only married you because you were pregnant"..... I sit up, look at Russ, and he's sound asleep. So I brush it off, okay that wasn't real Mal, go back to sleep.
I hear it again....."Mallory, who are you going to believe? Him, this man who has been lying to you for 10 years or me?" (again this was a voice of someone I hold very dear)
Now to help you understand why I would believe a voice, when I don't physically see anyone.... Remember I have been hearing and seeing delusions for over 6 months at this point. And they have said all these horrible things about my husband. My poor amazing husband took this verbal abuse from me for over a year, every day! I would start yelling at him.... out of know where.... all the things the voices were telling me. He NEVER did any of the things they said, but at the time my own mind turned me against my husband. So much so that I wouldn't believe anything he would say to me.

Okay so here I am listening to the voice, and then I hear Russ's voice. "She's so stupid, I cant believe she actually thinks I love her" "I have never loved her" .... And so much worse things said about me. It was like Russ and this persons voice were having this conversation right next to me, thinking that I couldn't hear them or something. So I woke up and hit Russ in the stomach.... not hard, because I wasn't trying to hurt him, I just wanted him to stop "pretending" to sleep, or that's what I thought he was doing. He wakes up and I start yelling at him. "Are you freaking serious?" (didn't say freaking) He looks up at me like what the crap Mal, and then I go off..... I start repeating all the crap I heard them talking about... and of coarse non of this actually happened, but I my mind, it did... So I tell him I'm leaving. I literally walk out of my house and start walking up the street, while hearing "Its about time you left, just go kill your self and put us all out of our misery".......

Now this was the first time I heard those words..."go kill yourself". So I keep walking, all the while talking to my dilutions. Every time I would look behind me, I thought I was seeing them following me... so I walked around my neighborhood for 2 hours trying to run from them. So there I was walking alone around 2am just talking to myself, crying and thinking that my life was over because, I thought at the time that my husband wants me to kill myself.
I make it back home, and here was that voice again. "Mallory, you trust me, so trust me when I say this, He wants you dead, everyone wants you dead. Everyone has been so disappointed in you, you have let everyone down and no one will be sad if you end it, JUST END IT"
So Russ is sleeping again, but this is not surprising because we had just been up for 5 or so days, and me yelling at him, running out side of the house is nothing new. Remember I did this pretty much everyday.
I walk past him, go into the bathroom and lock the door. I had made up my mind about it. I was going to kill myself. So I get this lamp that we used in the bathroom, it was a portable lamp with a long cord, I tie it to the shower head, and tie it around my neck. I sent an "I'm sorry" message to my family... Then I put all my weight on the cord.
As I slowly started to feel myself loosing air, my eyes started to hurt really bad, and so did my ears. I can still remember that pain, it hurt really bad, kinda like straining your eyes really hard mixed with someone shoving something sharp in your ear at the same time..... Then my eyes shut.
I woke up in my bathtub an hour or so later. My neck hurt so bad, and so did my ears. I came to the conclusion that I must not have tied the cord right because I noticed the knot I tied had been loosened.

So my failed attempt at suicide left me with red blood shot eyes, horrible ringing in my ears, and a bruised and red neck with a line across it where the cord was.
Remember how I sent a message to my family a simple "I'm sorry". Well my sisters must have known that it wasn't just an I'm sorry for being a drug addict, or I'm sorry for everything I have done to you... They must have known that it was something serious because they showed up at my house that morning. I didn't even realized how I looked when I opened the door.
Imagine seeing your sibling pale, bloodshot eyed, bruised neck with a red line across their neck. I looked dead. Or at least that's what they told me later. I opened the door. But I wouldn't let them come in. I was so embarrassed that I couldn't even kill myself the right way. That's seriously what was going through my head. "I cant even tie a damn knot"....
I don't remember everything we said to each other because my goal was to just get them to leave. I pretty much shut the door on them, and went back into the bathroom to look at myself. This was the first time I actually saw what they saw.
It was so bad that my sister actually had nightmares about it.... that's how bad I looked.

So call it Stupidity, call it luck, or call it a guardian angel. Something happened that night that prevented me from leaving this earth.
My voices didn't like that. They didn't like that at all. After that attempt my voices tormented me worse then ever before. Saying things that were so depressing, so horrible and crude. Imagine all your worst fears, things happening to the people you love, imagine that's what you would hear all day every day. That's what I was hearing. Remember how I said that "just go kill yourself" was never said to me before then. Well now that was mixed in with all the other horrible things.

August 2016-
My second attempt happened because of pretty much the same thing. But this time I started hearing my parents voices as well, telling me that I was disowned from the family, and that they never wanted me....Like I said, just all of my worst fears. It got so bad that while I was taking a shower, the only thing running through my head was suicide. Either because that's what was being said to me, or because I was literally thinking about it.
In my first post I mentioned that while in high school I did a lot of self mutilation. I used to cut my legs and wrists, I got away with this because I always blamed my marks on being clumsy, or I wore lost of bracelets. So I knew that cutting would help me feel something real, or at least take my mind off what was going on in my head. 
So in my head, my parents hate me, Russ hates me, my kids hate me, I have no friends, no one cares.... just all these thoughts again going through my head. So I grab my shaver. Brake it apart and use the blade to try and cut my wrists. So I start pressing it into my skin.... I knew I needed to press harder then I would have normally pressed, but no matter how hard I did, it was just barely cutting into my arm... I didn't understand. Why is this not working.... so I tried my other arm/wrist.... same thing, no matter how hard I pressed, it wasn't working. So I grabbed a different blade, same thing happened. After probably about 10 mins I had a dozen or so "scratches" on my wrists and arms.
Now, Im emotionally drained because again the thoughts start racing through my mind, "Im so stupid, I cant even cut my wrists the right way"..... And then all I hear is laughing. The voices of everyone I love are laughing at me. "You are such a moron Mal, why don't you try hanging your self again.." "Just go ask your husband to shoot you, that way we know it will work"..... Just horrible things like that. I got out of the shower, got dressed and ran upstairs where I honestly, tried to overdose. Well again.... luckily, the dope I had must have been pretty crappy cuz I just woke up a little later.....

Call it stupidity, call it luck, or call it my guardian angel... again, something prevented me from leaving this earth.

September 2016-
Now this attempt I only have a little recollection of what happened.... What I want to make clear is that, I tried this attempt not because of what the voices were saying, I was totally used to the cruel horrific things they would say to me, but because I just couldn't take it anymore. What I remember is going out on an amazing day date with Russ. I wrote about it in my journal......
Dear Journal,
Today was perfect in everyway. Russ was my husband again. He made me fall back in love with him again (not that I fell out of love... but you get the expression) I don't know what happened from yesterday to today but WOW. Lets just say that I haven't stopped smiling all day. YEAH, Im actually smiling at my house! I haven't seen him act like this since when we first started dating! He was holding my hand in public, touching  my leg on the bus, and has been waiting on me hand and foot! What did I do to deserve this? I don't know but I'm going to soak it all up while it lasts. He really is amazing, I totally trust him again.
*side note*
when I said Im actually smiling at my house- that's because most of the time I was tormented the worst when I was at home. So I was never happy there.
When I said I totally trust him again- that's because I always believed the voices over him, every time. I would never trust anything he said to me.

So here I was happier then I have ever been in a long time. So what do I do? Celebrate by getting high. I left Russ in the living room while  he played on the computer, and I went into the next room to shoot up. I remember thinking, "what a perfect day, nothing can ruin this for me"..... Then a wave of darkness hit me. Everything was dark, except a single square straight ahead of me. It was almost like I saw a video playing in my mind of how happy everyone was. Everyone was so happy, so I see my self walking towards them wondering why everyone is celebrating, and I see my self. Laying there.... dead. After seeing that, the only thing I remember doing is walking into the kitchen, grabbing my bottle of Flexoril (muscle relaxer medication) going back into the room and swallowed a bunch.

I woke up in the hospital 3 days later.  There were 10 pills left in my Flexoril bottle, I was prescribed 90. I had swallowed 80 pills.

Now medically, I have no idea if 80 Flexoril pills should have killed me. Add a pretty big shot of heroin and meth on top of that..... maybe. You would think so anyway. But it didn't. I think about this now and wonder why I don't have like severe brain damage or something.... (my family would say I already had brain damage.... lol).

AGAIN... Call it stupidity, call it luck, or call it guardian angel... Something prevented me from leaving this earth.

I joked with my family that the only reason I didn't die was because I have a deathly hallows tattoo, but they think it was something a little more powerful at work. Not to get all spiritual on you all again, but I have escaped death 4 times... 3 times just last year. Maybe I do have some support on the other side that untied the knot, held my strength back from pressing too hard, and kept me alive from what should have been a very deep sleep death. I don't know... I always blamed it on shear stupidity personally.... lol. A lot of  people that attend the same treatment center I do have said that they think I have some "purpose" here on earth. And that's why I'm still here.
Yeah... my purpose was to waste all your time reading this post! HA!

On the serious side, suicide is no joke. I have friends who's family members have committed suicide, my uncle also did. I didn't understand it back then. I never understood why anyone would want to leave their families. But after struggling with depression..... I now understand why.
I never saw myself as suicidal. I don't want to completely blame the drugs either though. Yeah, they played a big part in this, but there was already a deep routed issue that it grew off of.

Depression. Its more then just being sad. For those of you who have never had issue with depression, I hope you never do. It can over take you in ways you could never imagine. Make you think that your world is going to end. It turns your own thoughts against you. You can try your hardest to be happy, and maybe that will work for a little bit, but if it goes untreated, and you never find a way to talk about it with anyone, you could end up where you think there is no other way out except by taking your life.(that may sound a little drastic to some of you, but I'm basing it off my own experience)
Having depression doesn't mean you cant live a full life, and it doesn't mean you can never be happy. It makes me sad because a lot of people think this way.

If you know someone who has tried to talk to you about feeling hopeless, or lost... please take it seriously. Don't ever just brush it aside, telling them to "buck-up", or to just get over it. Depression is hard to explain to someone who has never felt its effects.

This post is way to long already to go more into it, that's why my next post is going to be on Mental Illness.

I hope this post didn't make anyone to sad, or upset anyone. Like I have said, these are just my own opinions, and my own experiences.