Can I forgive myself?

Hello friends
I should have taken my own advice about watching a Disney movie after reading my last post. lol.
I had therapy this morning,(I got A LOT of issues lol)  and I told my therapist that I just feel like "blah" today. She asked me what I wrote about last, I told her my suicide attempts, and she said "well have you forgiven yourself yet for that?".........
*blank stare*
"I think your unhappy and feeling like "blah" today because you still haven't forgiven yourself for attempting suicide, and reliving it in your blog brought back all your thoughts and guilt"

So I was going to do this post on Mental Illness (I will do this one later), but my therapist gave me an idea, so I'm doing this post on Self Forgiveness.

How do you forgive yourself?  I had to think about this for a while. It wasn't until later today that I realized that everything I'm learning in recovery, has already taught me to forgive myself. I just haven't been applying it in my life. So here are my Steps to Self Forgiveness:

1.Take Responsibility (you did it, own it)
I believe this one is the first step because if you cant take responsibility for your own actions, that means your pushing all the blame on someone who does not deserve it. I spent the longest time blaming my voices for everything. I blamed them for my suicide attempts, I blamed them when my children were taken, I blamed them for every bad thing that happened to me. In treatment I learned that we are only responsible for 3 things. Our thoughts, our feelings, and our actions. It doesn't matter what someone else says to us, or does to us, its how we react to the situation that we are accountable for. Now this is a lot easier said then done, I know this. But if we all would just stop and think about how we respond to situations, and to control our emotions, we would have less conflict, tragedy, and heartache in our lives.

2.Talk it out (do not suppress your feelings)
I didn't realize this was so crucial until I started reliving my attempts. I never talked about these attempts to anyone. The only people who knew about these were people in my family. And the only reason they even knew was because I sent that "I'm sorry" message to them. But even so, I never went into detail about it. Its amazing what talking things out can do for a person. I talked it out today in therapy, and I feel 100xs better. Just the act of saying it out loud feels like a weight has been lifted off my chest. So try it, talk it out.

3.The past is in the PAST for a reason. (leave it there)
Living in guilt is something a lot of addicts struggle with. Once we get sober, we start to look at all the harm we did to other people, or ourselves, and are just floored. We think about it over and over again. That's when the guilt and shame comes rushing in. We think to ourselves "how could I do that?" "That was never something I could have ever seen myself doing" "How can they forgive me for that?". I look at all the harm I did to my family, my husband and my kids. It makes me sick to my stomach. Luckily all the people I hurt have forgiven me, but I am still stuck in this guilt..... Its hard to just leave the past in the past and not to dwell on it, especially when that past has been detrimental to the people you love. But the easiest way to get over that guilt is to do the 2 steps above and to do the last step below.

4.Challenge yourself to do good (you deserve it)
To help get past the guilt, you just need to make sure that you make each day better then the last. Its hard at first. You may think that you don't deserve any good in your life. That because of how you have hurt others, you deserve to stay hurt. By thinking this way, you will be stuck in this revolving door, and this door doesn't have an exit. So step to the side, let yourself out so you can continue on. Everyone deserves good, or to do good. And by doing good, it doesn't just effect you, it effects the lives around you, your family, your kids, or the one you love.

If there is anything I would want you to take away from this post its this......
Forgive yourself, nothing good comes from wishing we could change our past. When you start to feel any guilt or shame, go do something for someone else. You will be so surprised how doing some kind of service, or act of kindness can change your whole day.(plus it will distract your mind, and you wont be focused on feeling so down) Not to mention the day of someone else as well. Be kinder to yourself. We all have flaws, and have done things we are not proud of. Instead of dwelling on it, LEARN FROM IT! 

....... That's all I have to say about that.......
(yes, I'm taking my own advice from now on)

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