Show Your Strength, Be The Light, and Respond In Faith!

And I'm BACK! Already with something new to talk about! Woohoo! The exciting life of Mallory returns. Actually this is something I have wanted to post since Oct 12th, the day I was able to go through the temple, but I just haven't found the right words to express it.......
UNTIL NOW!
PS..... I so I totally just read through this.... and its a little scatter brained.... ha ha ha. So I jump around a lot about different things..... so I apologize in advance!

This was the day I received my endowment! 

Oct 12th 2017

Yesterday I had a conversation with one of my coworkers, and she mentioned to me that she really appreciated how open and honest I was on my blog, and how "strong" she thought I was. She mentioned this a few time during the conversation actually......"you are so incredibly strong". And she is not the only one to mention this to me. "Wow Mal, you are so strong!"

Strong? I honestly don't think of my self as a "strong" person. Well..... at least not physically..... in ANY WAY.... (although I do plan on starting Cross Fit Helo in West Jordan starting next week! woohoo!) Mentally strong? HA! I literally started this blog because of my drug induced psychosis.... which is still effecting me even though I've been clean for almost year now..... 353 days to be exact. It wasn't until the end of the conversation I had with my friend that I realized what kind of strength I had.

After she had mentioned how strong I was for like the 3rd time, I totally interrupted her and blurted out "if it wasn't for the gospel, I would never have made through this year".

Then I had a total *DUH* moment in my head.
I AM SPIRITUALLY STRONG!!!!!!

Over the past year, I have been through a lot. Not just in my sobriety, but mentally, physically, and most of all spiritually.( A very huge example of this was explained in a video I made and posted *super emotional and really embarrassing* 2 posts ago about all the temptations I was having right before going through the temple). All of these trials or temptations I've had this last past year have made me a stronger person. But let me tell you this...... I would have never been able to overcome or move past these things if I was not spiritually strong.

Now I cant quote scripture very well, and I certainly could NEVER teach a gospel doctrine class, I would probably even struggle through a primary lesson.... lol. That's not what I mean by being spiritually strong.....and its hard for me to explain how I see myself as being spiritually strong.... so I will give you an example that happened to me recently......

During my treatment at Valley, we are given assignments to work on that help express our feeling and issues into why we started using drugs in the first place. On multiple assignments there's always a question saying something like "if (blank) happens, this could cause me to relapse". Well I would always say the same thing in every assignment. Mostly because if this "thing" were to ever happen, I could totally see my self relapsing. I would love to say I wouldn't relapse..... but for some reason, this "thing", I thought, would cause me to.

Well towards the end of October...... this "thing" happened. The one "thing" I said that if it were to EVER happen, I would probably relapse.

After I found out about this "thing" happening..... guess what my first thought was? I really want to pray right now (in my head I knew that I could turn to my savior and he would help me with this pain and grief)...... WHAT??????? Crazy right..... here it had been almost a year of thinking that if this "thing" happened I would just automatically want to go use. But no..... that's not what I thought of. My first instinct was to pray. After I did that..... whatever thoughts or ideas I had about relapsing would leave my head as soon as they entered it. It was seriously a miracle.

It wasn't my own personal strength/will power that got me through this. I've already explained to you that mentally....I'm not all there.... and physically..... well..... I'm a little TOO much there, if you get what I mean (ha ha ha .... made my self laugh pretty good on that one) (that's why I'm starting Cross Fit Helo)

It was my spiritual strength that got me through this. It was knowing that my savior has experienced this same exact feelings, and knows how to help me get through them.
I can honestly say that if I were not for the Gospel, I would have relapsed. Because of this gospel I have been made strong. I have overcame things I could NEVER see myself overcoming. Because of this gospel, and the atonement of Jesus Christ, I know with out a doubt in my mind that I can overcome my trials and temptations. I literally am living proof of it.

*Side Note*
So this summer, I was helping at some summer camps, and some of the little kids asked me "Miss Mallory, are you LDS?"
(Now looking at me, that's not really the first thing people think about me.... because of my tattoos and gauges....at least that's what I thought)
I responded "Yes, I am, How did you know?"
I will never forget what they said to me....... "we can just tell, there's a light about you"
SPIRITUALLY STRONG PEOPLE...... I was LITERALLY GLOWING in the spirit that day! lol
Totally random I know... but this just popped into my head while I was writing this post, and I had to share it because I was Spiritually Strong then, I just didn't know it or realize it until now.
*end of side note*

Also, the Lord has a plan for us. He is very organized. This "thing" that happened recently in my life, could have happened ANY TIME this past year.... but no..... it happened AFTER I went through the Temple, it happened AFTER I gained a strong testimony. It happened when I realized how STRONG I really was.....

“The Lord has given us agency, the right and the responsibility to decide. He tests us by allowing us to be challenged. He assures us that He will not suffer us to be tempted beyond our ability to withstand. But we must understand that great challenges make great men. We don’t seek tribulation, but if we respond in faith, the Lord strengthens us.” -Dennis E. Simmons 2004 General Conference

If we respond in Faith, the Lord strengthens us. Oh I love that.....I'm going to type it again....

If we respond in FAITH, the Lord STRENGTHENS us! (made it a little bigger so you can understand how important it is..... lol)
That's what I did.... when I had a problem the first instinct was to turn to my Heavenly Father and my Savior, and it strengthened me.

Spiritually Strong to me means having your full trust in the lord, having faith that no matter what happens, he will be there to help you. I believe you are as strong as your Faith..... so if you are feeling weak.... or not as strong as you think you should be.... turn to our Heavenly Father and talk to him.... he is ALWAYS there to help, but you need to have the faith that he WILL help.

So I know this post has gotten a little long..... but I do want to end with a suggestion..... or we can call it a challenge.

Light The World: 25 Days of Service starts December 1st. One of the best ways (in my opinion) to be Spiritually Strong is to serve. When we serve others we are following the example of Jesus Christ and doing as he did. I challenge you to take part in this 25 days of service. You would be so surprised how much good a simple act of service can do. How much strength you can gain from helping and serving others. Show your strength, be the light, and always respond in faith!

She's my MOM and she's CRAZY!!!!!

Well Hello World!
It's been a long time since I have posted! I have been super busy with work and life..... but I had a little down time this week, because of Thanksgiving, so I thought it was time to finally post all the crazy thoughts going through my head recently.

I'm just going to jump right into what has been bothering me for the last few weeks.....

So Ethan came home from school on Friday, about 2 weeks ago, and I could tell he had been crying. So I asked him what was up, and he said he has been getting bullied at school.
UMMMMM WHAT???????

Yeah, so apparently this girl, who is in his grade, has been teasing him.......

So I ask him what she said, his response killed me...
"She's making fun of me because she knows that you and daddy were drug addicts"
*literally felt like a knife to the heart*

I honestly sat there in silence for a few minutes. I didn't know what to say to him.
After the initial shock, I asked him to tell me the story of how this came about.

He was at lunch and this girl was teasing one of his good friends. So Ethan, being the kind soul he is, asked her to stop being rude to his friend. So she turned on him. Some how she knew that Russ and I were addicts in recovery and started to say that we chose drugs over him and that's why he had to live with his grandma. She went on telling him how "sad" his life is and that he will probably have to move again because we were such bad parents.......

O M GOODNESS........ *seriously at this point in the story I was contemplating whether or not I could afford another charge on my record.... is punching a 5th grader a felony?*

She proceeded to make fun of him, and then told him that she was going to tell everyone his "families secret."

So he's sobbing to me, "I'm sorry mom, I don't know how she found out."

WHAT THE CRAP!!!!!! How do I respond to this? My kid is getting made fun of for something I DID...... he's just the innocent party in this whole situation. This is the only thing I could think of to say..... I hope I said the right thing.

This was my response
"Ethan, its not a secret that your dad and I did drugs. I never want it to be a secret, do you know why?"
He asked why?
I told him that not very many kids who are in the situation that he and Izzi were in, get to go live back with their parents. I told him that he should be proud that his dad and I worked so dang hard to get them back. He was that special that his father and I are beating a disease to get him back. How many kids can say that?

Ethan starts sobbing more, and runs to me and tells me he loves me....and now I'm sobbing as well......
So I told him that if she goes at him again, to keep his head up high and say "yeah my parents were addicts, and they did what most addicts cant do. They are beating their disease and got us back"

The title of the post..... So funny. This is how awesome my son is.....
We were watching Stranger Things, *SPOILER ALERT* and the part were 11 saves mike from the cliff jump.... and the toothless kids yells to the bullies "That's right, she's our Friend and She's CRAZY".....
Ethan sits up and was like "Can I say that?"
*really confused look from me*
"To that girl, if she bothers me again.... can I just say She's My MOM and She's CRAZY!!!"
Yes, son..... that is totally fine. Say that!

Seriously I have the BEST SON EVER!

So its now been about 2 weeks since that happened. Its been bothering me a lot because I mean, kids are going to get bullied, its a sad truth, but it is the truth. But when they get bullied for what their parents have done. I honestly never expected that. So then I started thinking.......
Have I been to honest about my life? Was starting this blog really a good thing? Did I not think of how it could effect my kids?
That's what I have been struggling with for the last little while, and why I haven't posted.

But then I remembered reading all the responses that the Wasatch High School seniors wrote about me when I went and spoke to them about my life.
Here is what some of them said!

Mallory was amazing! Her story is incredible and eye opening. • She showed me a whole new world I didn’t know anything about. • I was so surprised to see her. I was expecting someone who looked unhappy and miserable. In place of my assumptions sat a person who was glowing with happiness. • If someone like Mallory who has faced agonizing struggles can find happiness, then I guess I can too. • I admire her so much. • Here she is, in the midst of fighting addiction, and she is one of the happiest people I’ve seen. She fights every single day. • I learned so much • Her brutal honesty was so refreshing • Mallory gave me hope for the future of everyone • Because of her, I can feel more empathy for my lost family members, and that really makes me happy • She showed me we can change • I felt completely comfortable asking her anything • Because of her, from now on I want to look back at what I’ve done with respect. • She made me realize that the people that truly care for you and love you will be the ones to get you through, and that is something that I’m going to hold on to for a long time. • I’ve only seen addiction from a distance, Mallory changed that. • She told us in a way that didn’t make us scared or sad but in a way that we just understood. She showed us her life. • Her story was just human. Humans make mistakes and that’s what she did. • Okay, I LOVED this presenter. • Mallory was SO GOOD. Her energy was amazing and made me feel more energetic and you can feel her passion for doing things like teaching and public speaking through her energy. • She was so open and honest with us and I really appreciated it. • Instead of just answering questions, which I love, she was there to share with us. It was so awesome to see her energy and want to show us she cares about us and wants us to know things. • Mallory Bringhurst, what a brave, enduring woman. • Mallory Bringhurst is one of the most amazing people I have ever had the opportunity to meet. Wow. I read her blog before she came, and it was so interesting and inspiring. • The most interesting thing I found from Jakob and Mallory’s presentations is both of them told us to stop trying to impress others. • I thought it was really cool how Mallory embraced her past self as someone she could learn from and be grateful for the experiences that she went through during her addiction. • I also like how she was able to find something to motivate her and pull her out of her addiction, which was seeing her husband sober. • Honestly, she left me speechless. She was so honest with us. Honestly though, what a beautiful person she is, like her inner beauty shines out and it just makes her glow.

Am I sorry I started this blog? NO
Am I worried that I'm too honest? NO
Am I worried how this could effect my kids? NO, because they know and understand NOW, how special they really are. They are worth fighting for and they are proud of Russ and I.

*the day our case was closed*

Ethan said this was his FAVORITE picture of the year! 

Oh and Ethan won 1st prize at his school for writing a poem about staying drug free...... TAKE THAT BULLY

Why is this happening to me??????

Hello Friends.....

So I made a video..... its a little scatter brained.... probably wont make a lot of sense.... but I couldn't type it out, I tried... for a while and it wasn't working.... so I made a video.....

Here is the link! I'm a little I.T. Challenged, and I couldn't make it post on here.... so I had to upload it to youtube!


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Az9NaD9tcD0&feature=youtu.be

The Flower Man

So its been over a month since I have been able to post! Part of me didn't want to write a new one because of how AWESOME my last post was..... lol. Its hard to follow up with a good post after a GREAT post. (this is not me being "big headed", this is me just repeating what YOU all said to me about it) Anyways... a little recap on what I have been doing this last month......

I have been so blessed and humbled by the teachers at Up With Kids! After that first camp, I was asked to help with another, then another, then another... 5 Summer Camps in all!!!! O M Goodness! It was so much fun! I'm so very grateful for the opportunity to have been able to work with those teachers and to have fun with the kids during camp. So many HUGE things have happened in the last few months.... I reached my 8th month of sobriety, we had 2 HUGE family parties at my house, my brother and his family came back to visit from West Virginia, I started an Instagram account (lol, I really like Instagram hence why I just mentioned it as a HUGE thing) Got Ethan and Izzi registered for school, I got a calling in my ward (I pretty much plan parties/socials (best calling ever) ) I also became a visiting teacher (I think I scared some of the relief society with how excited I was to become a visiting teacher) lol.....  So now I have a few weeks off before Up With Kids! starts in September. (if you haven't registered your kiddos yet, go to www.upwithkids.com and sign them up)

So what's been in my head lately? I shall tell you ..... right ..... now.....

Russ and I have started a new thing at bed time now that Ethan and Izzi are back with us. We read a story every night with them. Some times its made up..... (when I say made up, I really mean we tell them stories of movies we know they haven't ever seen lol) and some times its from a book. Last night  I told them the story of The Flower Man..... a little history on this before I go on to the story....

In 2007 I worked at a book fair thingy.... it was super cool because they had book signings by the authors so I got to see and meet a lot of authors. At the end of the week, the company said that all the employees were allowed to pick one book for free. There were so many books I wanted.... I had a hard time deciding, until I came across this book called The Flower Man, a wordless picture book by Mark Ludy. Now I know what your thinking..... "Really Mallory, you pick a WORDLESS BOOK" ..... before you get a judgmental..... Let me explain this book.....

So this is the cover..... totally caught my eye because, I mean, look how ADORABLE the little old man is! And you notice that he is the only thing in color.....

Here is the next page..... I LOVE how it says that everyone has a story... cuz its true. We all have an amazing life story. You may think you don't, you may think "well nothings every really happened to me that make me special" THAT IS A LIE! You never know, maybe your BORING life that you think could never be anything but BORING, could actually be someone's answer to their life problem.. So share your story... (rant over)

So then you see him walking to this sad looking, grey town. I'm going to skip a few pages.... but it shows him walking through the town, and as you look closer, all the people in the buildings are either, sad, angry, annoyed, crying... etc... NO ONE IS HAPPY

Then he gets to this sad looking, run down house that is for sale. And as a reminder.... everyone in this town is grey and unhappy.....

So he starts to fix it up.... and it turns to color.... also to note... this man ALWAYS has a smile on his face.... also to note again... the people in this town never smile. But if you look closer, there is a little girl leaning on his fence, watching him eagerly.

Remember that eagerly looking little girl..... He gave her a flower... and she turned to color, and is smiling.

See what's happening here? Just one small act of kindness, has a ripple affect. So the next few pages are of all the people in the town turning to color. 

So now the whole book has color. You would think it would be the end of the book right?

WRONG! Look close at the house that the flower man fixed up.... It has a For Sale sign. The next few pages so him walking back out of that town, which is all in color now, into a new grey town....

He finds a new house For Sale......

...and it starts all over again

So that is the story...... What did you get from it? Here is what I told my kids....

No matter what bad, horrible, unlucky things that happen to you, there is usually someone else who has it worse. So instead of being grey all the time and sitting in this sad depressed state, be the color that can brighten someone else's day. By doing this it will not only make them colorful, it will in turn, brighten your color! And that will help you stay colorful! This book has been with me for 10 years now. When I first got it, I honestly just thought the illistrations were cute, and it would be a good picture book for Ethan to look at. I never sat and thought about the meaning of it until now. Mark Ludy said it perfectly when he signed my book....

"Sweet Mallory, pleasure meting you! Continue to color your world!"

I hope you all can color your world. Think of how much better and prettier this word could be if we all could help each other color our lives. Find this book so you can look at it more carefully. In each window of each building there is a person, as the book goes on each person starts to get color. So you can look at this book over and over again you can find a new story every time! 

My challenge to you:

Share your story, and color your world!

True Happiness is the BEST High!

When I went to Valley (my IOP treatment facility) on Tuesday, I got asked this question by some of the girls there...."Mal, did you relapse?"
.....*really questioned look on my face*.....
"Um NO! Why do you ask that?"
"Because your smiling a whole lot, talking a whole lot, and are WAY to happy and energetic today"
.....*REALLY questioned look on my face again*......
"I'm just REALLY happy today! The happiest I have been in a long time actually"
*totally not believing expressions on all their faces*

I came home and thought about it..... Was I really acting like I was High on something? I mean, I had just left my mom and Meg and they didn't say anything to be about my behavior..... and they totally would have called me out if they had because they saw me on drugs, they knew how I acted when I was on something, and they didn't say one word to me about my behavior being weird....
It didn't dawn on me until the next day why they asked me that question....

Anyone who didn't know me before I used drugs, doesn't know my REAL personality. The REAL Mal is a fast talking, outgoing, bubbly, energetic and slightly obnoxious/annoying girl. Then it hit me like a ton of bricks....

I'M BACK TO MY OLD SELF! *screams with excitement*

That's why my mom and Meg didn't say anything to me before I left to treatment! They just saw what they have always seen..... it may have been hidden for a few years but they saw their daughter/sister acting the way she always used to. So that smiley, talkative, energetic, slightly obnoxious/annoying girl was normal to them!

After this eye opening and mind blowing revelation I was super excited! I felt happy, energetic, and I did it would out ANY use of a substance! It was pure and true happiness. I hope you all know how big of a deal this is for me! Remember in my post "why cant you just stop?" I talked about how addicts dopamine levels were so high that even the most enjoyable activities that would make anyone happy, or excited, had little to no effect for an addict. That's how its been for me lately. I had everything going great in my life, things were coming back to normal, I was being the mom I used to be, my family started to trust me again, everyone has been so supportive and understanding, but I still was not finding anything to make me "happy".

My sister gave me this AMAZING book called Be Happy written by Hank Smith. I've only just started it, but I have learned SOOOOOO much from it already. One thing I wanted to share with you that he talks about is the statistics of happiness..... This will blow your mind.

50% of your happiness comes from Genetic Tendencies..... so your DNA
40% of your happiness comes from Intentional Activities.... that's your behavior
and 10%..... only 10% comes from Circumstances

SHOCKING RIGHT!!!!!!

If you would have asked me 7 months ago, what made me happy..... I would have told you Meth and Heroin. That's the only way I could be happy. And that''s only if I had enough to last me all day. Hank Smith explains circumstantial happiness perfectly. (and he does it by explaining it with pizza or ice cream!)
The first bite is THE BEST! Oh man is that bite life changing. The second bite is still pretty great, but not quite as good as the first bite. The third bite is okay, but now its going dowhill a little. By the ninth or tenth bite you want something else. In other words, you need a different "high". This is a phenomenon called Hedonic Adaptation. It means conditions that once made you exhilaratingly happy just don't do it for you after a while. So CIRCUMSTANCES DON'T DEFINE HAPPINESS!
So the next time you think that you need the new car, new phone, new wardrobe etc.... to make you happy. You are wrong. It will just cause some pleasure, which is totally different then happiness. But that wont last.

40% of your happiness comes from the things you do to manage you happiness- your behavior. Lets call it Passion; the happiest people are those who have found their specific gifts and who use those gifts in a cause greater then themselves.
I'm not saying that I'm the GREATEST BLOGGER to ever have hit the internet, but I feel like I have a gift for sharing and teaching people how NOT to live their lives..... lol. Seriously..... I have shared part of my story, a very scary and vulnerable part of my life in hopes that I can help people can learn from my mistakes, or help them understand why an addict does what they do. And I have had people share with me that they appreciate what I write about, and have a better understanding of addiction now. So I like to think that this is my "special gift". It makes me truly happy when I hear a mom, or dad of an addict thank me for explaining addiction in a way they could understand, and be able to help and support their addicted child. (this really happened..... I was floored when I got this response) This brings me True Happiness......

50% of happiness comes from DUUH NAA (its pronounced D.N.A) <--- if you dont get that joke, you need to watch Zootopia. ha ha ha ha.
So where does happiness originate? In your brain. Not in your heart like the media would have you believe. Valentines day should be filled with pictures of little brains and candy shaped brains with cards that read "I love you with all my brain!". I mean if we want to be accurate. Makes sense. But probably wouldn't be as romantic as a heart......
The brain matters to happiness.... and not just a little. 50%, half of your happiness comes from your DNA. So if your generally a very happy person, you can thank your parents. If, on the other hand, your generally pretty miserable, you can settle into the therapist's chouch and blame your parents. LOL. But here is the thing about being pretty miserable genetically..... you can change that. The brain is constantly changing. It will take some time, but you can retrain your brain to be positive. :) SO NO EXCUSES!!!!

Okay so back to me! Because I'm an attention seeking person, I want everything to be about me. I mean, my blog is titled "it;s all in MY head" lol.......

So lets journey back to how the heck I got my first Happiness High! As I mentioned before, this is a huge deal. I have been so down, and depressed despite having AMAZING progress in my recovery, and in my family life..... I literally was at the lowest point in my recovery just a few days ago. No matter what I did, I felt like it was never going to be enough. The funny thing about low points is that just when you are about to give up, just when you think that no matter what you do, you are always going to have this little black cloud following you around..... if you can hold on for just a second longer..... literally that's all it takes, a second..... that's when you will FINALLY get lifted back up and feel that joy, and elation of being alive. That's what happened to me.

Here I am at the lowest, and I mean LOWEST (all caps make it more dramatic) point in my recovery. In my head all I'm thinking is "I might as well use, because that's what made me happy" "I will never get this "happy high" that normal people get" "I'm doing everything right but, nothing is making me happy"....... thoughts like this may not seem like a  huge deal to you, but to an addict, these kind of thoughts are very dangerous. I was explaining this to my family, and they, being the AMAZING supportive and loving people that they are said "just keep doing what your doing, it will all turn out" and "Pray about it Mal". TOTALLY NOT what I wanted to hear, but I kept on keeping on, and I prayed about it....... then I got a text message......

 "Hey Mal, I could really use your help next week with my summer camp" (it said a little more but that is the jist of it)
I stopped everything I was doing.... Ran to my mom and told her I got this message. I told her I literally prayed about this, and I got an answer. Her response was like "I told you so".
Why is this so monumental? (here is a little history) Well this company is called Up With Kids!. I grew up in this musical theature company. The ladies who run this AMAZING company are like 2nd moms to me. Their daughters are like sisters to me, and it pretty much has been my whole life. I got the chance to work for them after I had Izzi, and it was the GREATEST time of my life. I got to teach and direct plays and sing, dance and act every day. Total dream job! Unfortunately my pill addiction got the best of me and I had to leave the company. After that, I hit rock bottom.... That's when I started abusing drugs..... 

Flash forward a few years.......
(during these years.... all I could honestly think about is how I blew it with this career, it really killed me everyday. You can ask my family.... that's all I would talk about)

When I got sober, I contacted them asking them if there was anything I could do to return to this career. They have a strict Drug Policy that stated that I would have to have compleated treatment and have sobriety for 6 plus months. DONE! So when I got this message..... I literally got this "happiness high". Right then and there..... I couldn't contain myself. I wanted to tell everyone at treatment.... Hence the question I got at the top of this post..... lol.

True Happiness is the BEST high. Why? Its a positive force that will stick with you. Substances will give you pleasure.... but pleasure doesn't last. Happiness.... TRUE HAPPINESS lasts. I finally found my happiness. I hope you all can find yours.
Just remember if you are having those tough days, days that seem like there is no hope for tomorrow, and they just keep knocking you lower and lower and your stuck wondering why your feeling this way, why your being plagued with this depression or anxiety.....  write this quote down somewhere you can read it daily.....
"It was meant to be that life would be a challenge. To suffer some anxiety, some depression, some disappointment, even some failure is normal. If you have a good miserable day once in a while, or several in a row, stand steady and face them. Things WILL straighten out. There's great purpose in our struggle in life." - President Boyd K. Packer

Happiness does not mean being free from problems and trials, but finding purpose in problems and trials can result in abundant happiness. Find your purpose in your trials, find your special gifts and don't be scared to share them. I will end with one of my FAVORITE quotes of all time......

"Happiness can be found in even the darkest of times, if one only remembers to turn on the light" -Albus Dumbledore

NEVER forget to turn on YOUR light. :)

Addiction and Self-Esteem

So I have achieved 157 days of sobriety. I have been attending recovery classes everyday for the same amount of time, and am starting to finally get my life back together. I have done so much hard work to get this far, you would think I should be feeling great right? Unfortunately like most people in addiction recovery, I am struggling with very low self-esteem which has kept me from feeling happy, worthy, and satisfied and has made my sobriety a challenge.

What is self- esteem? Self-esteem is our perception of our worth as a person - including our feelings of confidence and satisfaction with our life. People who struggle with low self-esteem act and think in ways associated with not feeling like they are good and worthy person. Add someone who struggles with an addiction, and its 10x worse.

Low self-esteem and drug addiction often go hand in hand. People with low self-esteem are more likely to turn to drugs and alcohol to TEMPORARILY feel better about themselves, which leads to a viscous cycle of using substances and experiencing lower and lower self-esteem. The key word here is TEMPORARILY....So all your low self-esteem issues are numbed for a period of time while your using. From my own experience, I used meth because it made me loose weight drastically in a very short amount of time. At the time, I thought I looked great. For some odd reason, when I looked in the mirror, I saw this skinny, fit, beautifully sculpted women, when in reality I looked very pale, sickly, ragged, and unclean. I didn't realized how bad I looked until I got sober and started to see other addicts on the train and bus. Now not to say all addicts look pale, sickly, and ragged. I mean, when I was using, dealers would tell me all the time, "you don't look like an addict at all". (I seriously thought I was so cool because I didn't "look like an addict") I thought I was getting away with my addiction because of what other addicts and dealers would say to me. I seriously got commented on it all the time. So in my head, I'm thinking that I look AMAZING! So that's what I saw in the mirror, a non-addict looking person. This only fed my desire to keep using because I wanted to keep this "beautiful" new look.

While in recovery I am glad to learn I am not alone in thinking this way. Other people struggling with the same addiction felt that they looked amazing because of all the weight they lost, and energy they had. And now that we are sober, our levels of self-esteem have plummeted, while feelings of shame and guilt sky-rocketed. In our addiction, we took part in behaviors that make it really hard to like ourselves, after getting sober the damage addiction has caused becomes clear and this weighs on our already low self-esteem. Fortunately, self-esteem is not a permanent characteristic. That means you can build it up if it is low. Here are 10 tips help build your self confidence and increase self-esteem.

1. Use Positive Affirmations
When it comes to positive affirmations, the key is to fake it til you make it. At first you will not believe your own words, but the more you say to your self "I am a good person who deserves respect and happiness" the more those words will ring true. I like to write on my mirrors.... MAL IS AWESOME! :) Ive seen it and read it to my self so much that I now know I am awesome!

2.Surround Yourself with Positive People
While self-esteem ultimately must come from within, we also need the support of others to succeed in staying sober. I have been so lucky to have such a supportive family. They keep me positive and if you can consciously attune yourself to the good in other people, you will most likely see the good in yourself.

3.Stop Comparing
I hear this all the time in treatment, you can not compare your recovery with another people. You can relate, but not compare. But my issue is comparing myself to other women. I see the fit, beautiful, do it all moms on facebook and I always compare myself to them. We all need to remember that we are all special and unique in our own way. When we start to compare ourselves with others, STOP, and remember that you are special and have talents that maybe the person who your comparing yourself with doesn't.

4.Recognize and Challenge Negative Thoughts
Easier said then done, I know, but the more you do this, the easier it is to challenge those thoughts. If you find your self saying "I cant.." try re-framing it to "I can try" or "I know its hard, but I am strong".

5.Keep a Journal
How does this help your self-esteem? Well not only can you remember days when you felt good, you can keep a gratitude journal. It will  help you be more attuned to what is good in your life and be more optimistic. People who are optimistic tend to be more confident and have a higher self-esteem

6.Get to Know and Accept Yourself
A key to staying sober and feeling good is to continuously work on getting to know the you without the drugs. This is so hard because you were living your life with the drugs everyday, so everything you did, you did high. When you get sober you forget how to function like a normal person. So you are re-learning everything and finding out who you are as a person.

7.Focus on Success
Addicts in recovery are so hard on themselves. We can easily point out our failures each day, but never focus on the success we had that day. If we stay focused on every little success, like, being able to get up and go to treatment, staying sober, making dinner, cleaning the house, we have succeeded successfully for that day and we need to acknowledge it to ourselves.

8.Set Small Achievable Goals
SMALL is the key word here. I set way to high of goals when I first started treatment, this had a horrible in pact because instead of achieving the goals, they were so far out of my reach that it made me feel even worse about myself. Set small achievable goals, and when you complete them, you will notice your confidence increase.

9.Practice Loving Kindness Meditation
Loving kindness meditation can help free us from self-absorption and in turn fill us with feelings of acceptance. This meditation is simple and can be done by anyone. It consists of sending positive thoughts to those we love, but also to those we do not know well, to our enemies, and to all living beings.

10. Take Responsibility
Take responsibility for your own happiness and self-esteem. You and only you can create change in your life. Make a conscious decision to work towards becoming a more confident and self-loving person.

REMEMBER CHANGE TAKES TIME

Why can't you just STOP!

So I posted in my first post a little bit about addiction being a disease and that I would go more in depth on another post..... This is that post!

"Why cant you just stop Mal"

I got asked this question a lot. Mostly by myself... lol. I would beat myself up everyday asking myself this question. Why cant I just stop. It wasn't until I started treatment that I discovered the answer to this very frustrating question. My hopes while you read this post is to get you to understand an addicts mind. It differs, greatly, from your mind. Our priorities and survival methoods become warped. Our mind is "rewired" to think that the only way to survive is to keep doing drugs.

The area of the brain that encourages a human to perform or repeat and action that promotes survival is called the survival/reinforcement circuit. Its normal function is to reinforce an action that promotes survival (eating, drinking) Unfortunately is also the part of the brain that is most effected by psychoactive drugs. When a psychoactive drug activates this pathway, the result is a feeling of satisfaction, a high, or a physical/emotional pain relief witch prompts the urge to do it again.
Now that we have stared using the drug, we have an altered brain chemistry. It makes our "stop" switch dysfunctional. Think of the SRC as a "go" switch. And the control circuit as our "stop" switch. So when this "stop" switch becomes dysfunctional and does not shut off the craving, the person continues to use because there are no instructions to stop. The SRC ("go" switch) and the control circuit ("stop" switch) have been hijacked, so the individual continues to use because its tricked into sensing that survival depends on it.
The "do it again" message becomes impossible to ignore, resulting in the drug seeking/using behavior regardless of the amount of pleasure the user experiences or the destruction the use ultimately causes.

Remember my cold glass of water story in my first post. Knowing what the water would do to you, of coarse you wouldn't drink it. That's because your brain recognizes the danger and figures out an alternative way to survive, and that's when your "stop" switch kicks in. For an addict, our "stop" switch is totally disabled, all our brain says to us "do it again" "cant survive with out it" so we still take that glass of water.

Why couldn't I just stop? Because my brain literally didn't have a stop circuit.

Our brains are wired to ensure that we will repeat life-sustaining activities by associating those activities with pleasure or reward. Whenever this reward circuit is activated the brain notes that something important is happening that needs to be remembered, and teaches us to do it again and again without thinking about it. Because drugs stimulate the same circuit, we learn to abuse drugs in the same way. And they are so much more addictive then natural rewards (like sex, eating, exercising) because they release 2 to 10 times the amount of dopamine that natural rewards. The effects of such a powerful reward strongly motivates people to take drugs again and again.

When you take away the drugs, addicts dopamine levels become abnormally low, and their ability to experience any pleasure is reduced. This is why an addict feels flat, lifeless, and depressed when they are not using. So they keep taking the drugs again and again just to try and bring their dopamine levels back to normal. Which only makes things worse, its just this vicious cycle addicts go through everyday.

I hope that can help you understand why addicts feel like they have no other choice but to use. From personal experience, I just wanted to feel normal. I honestly wanted to quit, but at the time, I couldn't see a future where I could be happy again unless I was using. So I kept using. It wasn't until December 2016 that I finally made an effort to get sober. It was extremely hard at first, honestly, the hardest thing I have ever had to do. I have had to retrain my brain. Will it ever go back to normal? No. It wont. Because of my use, I have now given myself a disease. Can I live a functioning life? Yes. Just like any other disease, it can be treated.

So I hope this helps anyone who doesn't understand addiction, and why it is considered a disease. The next time you think in your head "why cant they just stop", remember that they are only trying to survive. They don't know any other way.